


To Know the Sun Is There

by Hamliet



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Crack Treated Seriously, Fluff, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mpreg, Past Sexual Abuse, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-05
Updated: 2018-12-11
Packaged: 2019-09-07 16:57:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 19,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16857802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hamliet/pseuds/Hamliet
Summary: “I can see the sun, but even if I cannot see the sun, I know that it exists. And to know that the sun is there - that is living.”Dr. Mannerheim gives Ash some terrifying news, news that only exacerbates his self-hatred--but also has the opportunity to spark his urge to live, which Ash thought had long since burned out.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> There isn't going to be anything terribly explicit in this fic, but if this kind of trope triggers you, please be aware! 
> 
> (the summary quote is taken from fyoder dostoyevsky's 'the brothers karamazov')

“Ash, are you okay?” 

 

He set the book he was reading down as Eiji stepped into the room, bringing two cups of tea. Eiji sat on the edge of the bed, pressing one into his hand. The smell of vanilla wafted up to his nose, steam warming his cheeks. “I’m just tired.” 

 

He didn’t want to tell Eiji that something wasn’t right. Alex had mentioned the same thing in his texts, Shorter too. Someone was watching them, someone lurking. 

 

If they knew…

 

_ They couldn’t, _ Ash tried to reassure himself. Then again, he knew everything was possible, even the things that should not have been.

 

“You need more sunlight,” Eiji said brightly, springing up from the bed and crossing the room. He reached for the drapes. “There’s a gorgeous sunset outside tonight!” Red light flooded the room, like gold tinged with blood. Eiji beamed. 

 

Fear struck Ash. “Eiji, get down!”

 

“Wha—”

 

A shot cracked through the window. Forget it. Ash launched himself up, hurling himself at his boyfriend. He and Eiji slammed into the floor. His elbow smacked the wood. Eiji’s blood trickled onto Ash’s arm from a graze.

 

“Boss!” shouted Bones and Kong’s voices.

 

“Turn the lights off!” Ash bellowed. He couldn’t see. He wasn’t going to let him. 

 

_ I’ll lose everything. _

 

They obeyed. He hauled himself and Eiji to their feet, stumbling as they ran out of the room. 

 

“It just nicked me,” Eiji managed. 

 

_ Shit _ . Ash wiped the blood from his palm onto his shirt. 

 

“Ash,” Eiji tried. “You’re okay?” His eyes were wide in fear.

 

“I’m fine,” Ash assured him. He had a phone call to make, and everything ached. 

 

_ I can’t protect them. _

 

_ I’m cursed.  _

 

“Hello, kitten,” came Blanca’s voice. “Long time no—”

 

“Fuck you!” Ash had barricaded himself in the study, but he doubted Eiji would leave him alone for him. He clutched the edge of the desk, pain spreading through his midsection like a vice grip. He wasn’t going to gasp, give Blanca any hint that anything might be wrong, or different. Just in case they didn’t know.

 

Lee Yut-Lung took over the phone then, telling him Eiji was his target. Ash gritted his teeth, waiting, waiting, waiting for the words he knew would destroy him: that they knew, that Dino wanted Eiji gone for ruining something that was his, a vessel with golden hair and jade eyes. 

 

But no. They just wanted to negotiate. Tomorrow evening. 

 

“By phone,” Ash said.

 

“No.”

 

The fluffiest parka in the world wouldn’t disguise this. Ash doubled over. His breath caught. “Then give me two days.”

 

“No. We hold all the cards, you—”

 

_ Not all of them, and I’m not giving you this one!  _ “Put Blanca back on.”

 

“Hi, honey.”

 

“Two days,” Ash said, trying to make his chest rise and fall like normal. “That’s not negotiable.”

 

“Ash—”

 

“So he can come up with some kind of plan—” Yut-Lung was talking in the background.

 

“God, do you ever shut up?” Ash yelled. “I will be there. I just need two days because tomorrow is—Eiji’s birthday.” A total lie.

 

“Unless you want it to be his last day—”

 

“Blanca, please,” Ash said. “You and I both know you’ll get what you want. I just want—a day.” 

 

Muffled discussion. Ash now couldn’t stand. He crouched on the ground behind the desk. 

 

“Fine,” Blanca agreed. “Nine pm. Don’t be late.”

 

“You’re always late.” Ash hung up.  _ You said you retired, dipshit! I thought—I thought—of course you never cared.  _ He should have known when Blanca left him that he didn’t care. But still. But still, he wanted to believe—wanted to hope—

 

“Ash?” called Eiji.

 

Ash yanked the curtains shut. He pulled himself to his feet, taking a breath as the pain subsided. “Yeah?” 

 

Eiji entered the room, his arm bandaged. “I’m sorry, I—”

 

“It’s not your fault.” He straightened. “Eiji—”

 

“Ash, are you all right?” Eiji asked, studying him with wide eyes.

 

“Tired. As per usual. I don’t need this stress—”

 

“Ash!” Eiji grabbed his arm with surprising force. 

 

“Huh?” Ash looked up at him, and then followed Eiji’s gaze down to his pants. Blood and water soaked them. 

 

The timing could not be worse. He clung to Eiji’s shoulder, and fear broke inside of him, shivering through each cell in jagged barbs.  _ Oh God, oh God, oh God. _

 

“It’s okay,” Eiji was assuring him. “I’m here.”

 

It wasn’t.

 

* * *

 

He found out the last way anyone would want to find out: strapped to that terrible bed in that blinding room that was Dr. Mannerheim’s lab. He’d just been informed they were going to inject him with Banana Fish, and Dr. Mannerheim was examining his results and ignoring the hateful glare Ash was fixing him with. 

 

“Oh my,” said Dr. Mannerheim. “How interesting.”

 

“Does it tell you I hate you in my genes?” Ash rasped.

 

“No,” said Dr. Mannerheim. “Did you know you were pregnant?”

 

The lights blurred, obscuring Dr. Mannerheim’s face and voice as he prattled on for the voice inside Ash’s memories, replaying what he’d just said.

 

_ Pregnant. Preg-nant. Pregnant. _

 

_ What? _

 

“Didn’t you know that’s why you were so popular when you were younger?” Dr. Mannerheim asked. “Dino Golzine surely knew it was possible. I imagine that’s why he spent so much on you.”

 

Of course, he knew that it was possible for some men to conceive. It was just rare as hell, and those who could usually chose to have their organs removed so that they wouldn’t have to deal with the societal stigma. People would whisper, view them as objects of fetish even if the only way one could know was by a scan.  

 

“Guess you’re still a whore,” said Dr. Mannerheim, and rage streamed through Ash, hot and stinging. 

 

_ Pregnant.  _

 

_ Me. _

 

_ This is— _

 

_ Eiji’s child. _

 

“I’ll consult my lab to see if we want to run the experiment and test results, or just give you a termination straight away. You’re around twelve weeks.” Dr. Mannerheim chuckled as he left.

 

The rage dissipated into ice seeping through his veins. He’d just been—through surgery, fought Arthur, almost  _ died _ —and he was carrying Eiji’s child the entire time?  _ Eiji… _

 

He’d already lost so much blood. How could he not have miscarried? 

 

_ Eiji… _ he was supposed to be on a plane back to Japan. But he was at the fight—he had no idea what happened to him after that, Ibe said they couldn’t find him—

 

Eiji was supposed to be gone.  _ But—you’re here. _

 

Ash’s hands moved towards his stomach. The restraints at least allowed that. He pressed it. It felt the same as ever. Maybe a little firmer, or maybe just his imagination.

 

_ Dino… you knew I could—did you want me to have your children for you?  _ His stomach lurched.

 

He was probably polluting something of Eiji’s by carrying it inside of him, when all that was inside him was broken and bloodstained. And yet, if he terminated it—

 

Eiji should have a say, too.

 

_ I will survive. I have to. _

 

* * *

 

 

He didn’t say a word to Max and Ibe when he saved their asses. When he had to dress as a nurse named Barbara, he wanted to scream.  _ If you only knew.  _ He bought a test from a pharmacy and the pharmacist assumed he was buying it for a girlfriend, of course. 

 

It was positive, and Ash broke the test in half before throwing it away. 

 

He found Eiji after talking to Cain, found Sing and Shorter there as well, tried to decide who would stick with him if they knew he was pregnant. If they even knew he was capable of it. 

 

Eiji found him on the roof, watching the sun go down and shivering. He wrapped his arms around Ash, embracing him.

 

_ Even after you saw what I did to Arthur… Eiji, I’m not fit to carry a child.  _

 

_ Eiji, I’m a monster. _

 

_ Eiji, I’m pregnant. _

 

Ash dropped his chin onto Eiji’s shoulder. His breath shuddered.

 

“Ash?” Eiji asked. “What’s wrong?”

 

Ash shook his head. “Doesn’t matter. I’m back. We’re fine.”

 

He really should just get the termination. He shouldn’t bother Eiji with this. Eiji already had enough to deal with. He was a burden just himself. Eiji was just nineteen.

 

It took three days of snapping at Alex, Kong, and Bones, letting loose on Sing who told him he was acting like Yut-Lung, and refusing to sleep at a sane hour before Shorter finally rolled his eyes and told Eiji to do something.

 

“Ash, what happened?” Eiji asked in the dead of night, when Ash had been pretending to be asleep and thinking Eiji was asleep, only to realize they were both faking.

 

He didn’t answer. He faked a snore.

 

Eiji laughed. He rolled over and hit Ash with a pillow. Ash snatched it away, turning to face Eiji. His smile wobbled and fell. 

 

“Ash?” Eiji pushed himself up, sitting. “Ash…” He was quiet. “I don’t know what to say. If you want to talk, I’m here.”

 

_ You wouldn’t be. You shouldn’t be _ . Ash closed his eyes. His hand drifted to his stomach again.

 

“You do realize,” Eiji said. “That there is nothing you can do that’s going to scare me right now, right? I saw you like—you didn’t want me to see you. And I’m still here.” His voice cracked. 

 

_ And I’m hurting you. By holding back. _ Ash sat up slowly. He wrapped his arms around Eiji again, chest heaving as he tried to think of what to say. Eiji rubbed circles around his shoulders. 

 

“There’s—a reason Dino’s so obsessed with me. Beyond just my brain and my—looks.” Fuck, why did he have to begin with that man? 

 

It always came back to  _ him _ . He’d broken Ash beyond repair, burned him up.

 

_ No _ , no—if that were true, then why—

 

“Because he’s a selfish git monster asshole?” Eiji suggested. “Ash. If it wasn’t you, it’d be someone else. He’s—it has to do with him, not with you.”

 

“Eiji, I’m pregnant.” 

 

Eiji froze. 

 

_ Now I’ve lost him. Now you see how deformed and— _

 

Eiji pulled back, looking in Ash’s eyes. He looked stunned.

 

“It’s yours,” Ash mumbled. “Twelve—now thirteen weeks, I guess—” His voice choked up. “I’m—disgusting, I’m—”

 

“No!” Eiji gripped Ash’s shoulders. “You’re not disgusting—or if you are, then fine. Something disgusting makes me want to live. Something disgusting is carrying a fetus—that’s not something disgusting. That’s something beautiful.”

 

Ash gaped at him. “You’d want to keep it?”

 

“I’d want you to do what makes you happy,” Eiji said, looking down at his hands.

 

“Eiji,” Ash said, the lump breaking in his throat. “I want to keep it, too.”  _ I’m just scared.  _

 

Eiji was trembling.  _ You’re scared, too.  _ But Eiji kissed Ash’s abdomen. 

 

There was a lot of fiddling with the gang over the next few weeks. Shorter asked if he was happy and then congratulated him, waiting a few days to text Ash that he better not be thinking this would lessen his opinion of him because the only way that would happen was if Shorter was not named godfather. Alex, Kong, and Bones would know. No one else would. 

 

Ash felt guilty communicating with Max via phone and text, but he couldn’t risk it. If Dino found out, he’d kill Eiji and the child. So no prenatal care, which Ash knew was stupid but he didn’t see the alternative. Even if he went to see Dr. Meredith, someone might see. Ash could only hope the amount of blood he’d lost in the fight with Arthur wasn’t enough to have caused a problem.  _ Please. _

 

_ Please, let me do one thing well in this world. _

 

...

 

“You’re in labor,” Eiji said firmly, blood still staining the bandage on his shoulder.

 

“I am not.”

 

“Do you want me to call Shorter? Nadia probably can help—”

 

“I’m not—” Panic was shivering inside of him. Ash arched up back up. “Motherfucker—”

 

“Is this kind of pain normal?” whispered Kong.

 

“It gets worse as it goes on,” Bones confirmed. “I watched videos online, women and men, just to—”

 

“Fuck,” Ash panted. “Make sure—all the blinds and curtains stay closed. Don’t let anyone into this place. Except Shorter, if he comes, and Nadia.”

 

Eiji held Ash’s hand, face white. 

 

“Your shoulder—”

 

“I’m fine,” Eiji said.

 

“You’re not.”

 

“I’m just—scared.” Eiji gulped. 

 

_ Scared?  _ Ash looked at him.

 

“You’re not alone,” Eiji assured him. Ash’s grip tightened on his hand. 

 

Forty-eight hours. Well, at the very least, this might make it easier to hide it. But—if there wasn’t enough time—

 

Shorter arrived to cheer Ash up with jokes. It did not work. His insides were spasming constantly, and it was talking all his strength not to scream and also not to break Eiji’s hand. His mind spun with all the articles he’d read on how it was harder for a man to give birth than a woman, what could go wrong, the worst things that could happen to him or to the baby. 

 

“You’ll be fine,” Nadia assured him. “You’re doing well.” She’d told Charlie she had to help Ash with something important and Charlie had responded that he didn’t need nor want to know, but to tell Ash good luck.  _ Ha _ .

 

_ I’m going to bring a kid into this world. _

 

_ What was I thinking? _

 

“I hope he or she looks like you,” Eiji told him as the clock ticked closer to midnight. 

 

_ What? Why? _ Ash looked up at him, the muscles in his throat clenching so tight from the force of not screaming. 

 

“You can scream,” Eiji said, sitting next to him and massaging his back. “You’re in pain. There’s no shame in it.”

 

Ash buried his face into Eiji’s uninjured shoulder. He screamed. 

 

_ What if our child comes out like me? Someone who can—who is— _

 

_ This is why all the perverts are attracted to me like a magnet, it’s me, it’s me, it’s me— _

 

“This is terrifying,” Shorter declared around three in the morning. “Does it ever end, Nadia? How do women and men do this? I swear they gotta be the strongest people of all.”

 

_ Really? _ Ash looked at his best friend, sweat drenching his face. Eiji wiped his forehead. 

 

_ I’m going to be a terrible father, _ Ash thought. Eiji was the one reading all those parenting books. He had no idea. He had never really had— _ Griffin—I wish you were here. _

 

It was five in the morning before he finally voiced it between gasps of pain. “I’m going to fail my kid—I don’t know how to do this—”

 

“No one does,” Nadia said soothingly.

 

“Huh?”

 

“I didn’t know what to do when my parents died,” Nadia said. “You’ll just—figure it out.”

 

Or you wouldn’t. Like his mom, who split.

 

_ I can’t— _

 

The threat from Blanca lingered in his mind. He looked up at Eiji, into his chocolate eyes.  _ You really—love me no matter what I do.  _

 

_ It’s the best feeling in the world. _

 

_ You’d give that to our child, too. _

 

_ I’m not alone. _

 

The first streaks of dawn were breaking from behind the curtains when Nadia finally told him to push. Shorter excused himself. The smell of blood filled the room, and Ash threw up. 

 

His abdomen felt like someone had lit it on fire and sliced it at the same time, and then he felt something different: relief. Less pressure. 

 

But no crying. Ash pushed himself up on his elbows just as a high-pitched whimper broke out. Eiji was gaping, tears running down his face. 

 

“A baby boy,” Nadia announced. She had a blanket ready, and she was handing the bundle to Ash.

 

_ What do I do? _ He had no idea. His IQ was failing him. His arms reached out to take it. It was so light, and yet solid. Tufts of matted, bloody black hair stuck to the baby’s head. His eyes were open, huge and round, like Eiji’s. And his fingers were tiny and grasping.

 

“Oh,” Eiji whispered., leaning against Ash’s shoulder. He reached out his hand, cupping the baby’s face. “Ash, he’s soft.”

 

Ash couldn’t speak, and it took him until a teardrop spilled onto his son’s face to know why.

 

_ I’m crying. _

 

Eiji was, too, unabashedly. “He’s perfect.”

 

_ Perfect. _

 

He really was. He had fingernails and toenails, a small nose, and he kept looking up at Ash, and he was crying, and Ash just wanted to hold him close, breathe in his scent. 

 

_ I’ll never let anyone hurt you. Not ever. _

 

“I love you,” Eiji choked out. 

 

_ Me, or him? _

 

_ Oh.  _

 

_ Both. _

 

“Me too,” Ash managed. “I love both of you.” 

 

“Ash,” said Eiji. “Can we name him Griffin?”

 

Ash’s jaw fell open. “You—”

 

“Or we can choose a new name,” Eiji said. “One you want. It doesn’t really matter to me what he’s called—he’s just—”

 

_ Our son. _

 

_ My son. _

 

_ Your son. _

 

_ Wow _ . “I like Griffin,” Ash admitted. 

 

Eiji took the baby, rocking him. “Shh, Griffin Okumura-Callenreese,” he whispered.

 

“Okumura,” said Ash. “I don’t care for my last name.”

 

_ Perfect _ .

 

For just a moment, Ash wanted to close his eyes and rest, his boyfriend by his side, their son with them, and forget about the threat given earlier that day.

 

* * *

 

 

Ash curled up in his bed. It was late afternoon and Eiji seemed to be doing okay after his gunshot wound. Shorter had gushed over the baby, giving him a stuffed black cat. Alex, Kong, and Bones bought Griffin clothes. Eiji insisted Ash needed to rest, but now Griffin was back with him, sleeping.

 

Ash couldn’t sleep now. He just wanted to look at him. His skin was creamy and soft, his cheeks chubby. They’d fed him from a bottle, and he seemed to like it. His eyes were still blue, but Nadia said they’d darken soon, to green or brown. Probably brown, Ash was guessing. He was glad.

 

Griffin looked like baby Eiji. Ash smiled at him. 

 

Blanca’s voice, Yut-Lung’s… they burned in the back of his mind.

 

_ What if he is like me? _

 

_ So what _ ? Ash couldn’t believe that made him any less special, any less worth—everything.

 

_ I will never let them touch you _ .

 

He loved Eiji, and that made life. It was beautiful. 

 

A knock on the door. “Ash?” called Eiji’s voice.

 

“Yeah?” Ash stayed lying down. He smoothed Griffin’s hair. The baby’s eyelids fluttered. He even had tiny eyelashes.

 

“Ash, someone’s here to see us,” Eiji said, voice hesitant. 

 

“Who?” Fear suddenly spiked. 

 

“Max.” Eiji swallowed. “And Ibe.”

 

Ash’s eyes popped. They couldn’t—they weren’t supposed to—Shorter was the only one, but he wouldn’t have—

 

“Bones tried to keep them downstairs and they didn’t listen. I told them you have the flu, but Max isn’t buying it—he’s worried—he doesn’t know.” Eiji kept his voice down. 

 

“Do you want to tell Ibe?” Ash asked. It was nothing to keep it from his family. But he had his gang. Eiji… he’d have kept this a secret. For his sake. For Griffin’s. 

 

Eiji nodded. 

 

“It’s okay,” Ash said. “Just—tell them not to—”

 

Eiji broke into a grin. He kissed Ash and Griffin both on the forehead. 

 

Ash flopped back down. Griffin stirred. Ash reached out his hand, and the baby’s fingers curled around his middle finger. Ash snorted. “You’re silly already.”

 

“Ash?” Max entered the room. “Eiji said—” He stopped still. 

 

What Eiji had said, Ash would never know, but it was definitely not what was actually going on. 

 

Ash met Max’s eyes. A flush spread across his face, but he couldn’t—he wouldn’t get—Griffin was not shame. He would not treat his son like something to be embarrassed about. He kept Max’s gaze, and he watched as understanding dawned on Max’s face, as the still-lingering smell of blood, the shape of Ash’s body as he sat up, the newborn. 

 

“Ash,” whispered Max. 

 

_ Don’t. Please don’t. _ Ash squeezed his eyes shut. The baby whimpered, and Ash reached for him, pulling him closer, against his chest. 

 

_ I’m not ashamed. I’m not. _

 

_ I still love you, even if I am. _

 

_ Is that enough? Am I already failing?  _

 

The bed creaked. Max, sitting next to him. “He’s beautiful.”

 

_ Really?  _ Ash met Max’s eyes, and saw a tired look, but a smile, a genuine smile, on his lips. “He was born around seven this morning,” Ash said. “His name’s Griffin… Eiji suggested it.” 

 

Max nodded.

 

“He’s Eiji’s,” Ash added, hating that he had to clarify that. 

 

“I know,” said Max. “He looks just like him.” 

 

Ash smiled. “I’m glad.” 

 

“I see you in his face, though,” Max said. 

 

Ash swallowed.

 

“May I hold him?”

 

Ash nodded. He passed Griffin to Max. The baby opened his eyes, blinking sleepily. “That’s Max,” Ash told his son. “He’s nice. He won’t hurt you.” 

 

“How long have you known?” Max asked.

 

“The hospital.” Ash gripped his hands together. “I didn’t even know it was--I mean, that I was--it wasn’t something I’d considered I’d be able to--”  _ That’s why we didn’t use protection. But we should have anyways, with my history. I’m dirty. I could have infected Eiji with any manner of horrible things. _

 

_ I’m so irresponsible, and I have a kid.  _

 

“You don’t need to explain,” Max said softly, stroking the baby’s hair. “Ash, you really don’t. It happens. I had a colleague who interviewed men who chose to have their babies once. It was a great article.”

 

Ash’s voice trembled. “I’m glad I have him.”  _ He’s my son.   _ “If Dino—”

 

Max’s eyes flashed. “He won’t find out.”

 

_ He might _ . “That’s why I’ve been—more or less a hermit the past three months.” Ash hunched his shoulders. 

 

“Ash,” said Max. “That’s not something you and Eiji should have had to bear alone.”

 

Griffin woke up and wailed. Ash reached for the bottle he’d kept on the nightstand, taking the baby back. He fit the bottle in the infant’s mouth, watching as his son latched on. 

 

“I remember when Jessica and I had Michael,” Max said. “It’s the best feeling in the world. And the most terrifying.”

 

Ash snorted. “Yeah.” He swallowed. “Eiji is--”

 

“Amazing,” Max said. “Someone who loves you, and whom you deserve.” 

 

Ash’s jaw fell open. The bottle slipped. He cussed, righting it. He probably shouldn’t swear in front of his son. He felt so warm. “Max, if anything ever happens to me—you and Jessica—Eiji and Griffin—”

 

“Don’t say that, Ash.”

 

_ It’s closer than you think _ . Ash hung his head. “Dino would kill them both. Or worse. I can’t—that can’t ever happen.” He couldn’t imagine it. Griffin’s eyes started to close.

 

_ You’re safe here.  _

 

_ You’ve never not been safe. You don’t know what that would mean. _

 

_ I don’t want you to ever have to. _

 

Max wrapped an arm around Ash like an older brother, or a father. “It won’t. I promise you.” 

 

The door opened again. Eiji, and Ibe. Ash gulped. He wasn’t sure what to make of Ibe—what would he think that he and Eiji had been having sex, and unprotected at that, and—

 

“Oh, Ei-chan,” said Ibe. “He’s adorable.” 

 

Eiji came to sit next to Ash, taking the baby. He was glowing. 

 

Ibe grinned at Ash, who smiled back. 

 

_ You’re so happy. _

 

_ Eiji, it might all be ripped away soon. _

 

_ I’m so happy you’re happy. Even just for now.  _

 

_ I just wish it could be forever. _

 

* * *

 

 

“Well,  _ you _ look like hell,” Yut-Lung remarked, folding his arms across his chest as he watched Ash gingerly standing in the warehouse. He was still sore everywhere, and his heart pounded with each minute he spent out here, away from Eiji, away from their son. 

 

But this was for them. To protect them.

 

_ I… have a family. _ He squeezed his fists. “I had the flu.”

 

Yut-Lung pointed a gun at him. 

 

“Can you fire that, little girl?”

 

“I won’t be firing it. You’ll be. Into your own head. And if you do that, then we’ll leave your precious Eiji Okumura alone.”

 

_ Die? _

 

_ If I do that, though—Eiji and Griffin—  _ Ash snatched the gun. It was the only way, the only way—

 

An empty click.  _ Huh? _

 

Yut-Lung smacked it out of his hands, and it was clear. He wasn’t going to be given as easy of a chance to die. 

 

His life, for Eiji’s. His freedom, for Eiji’s. And Griffin, but they clearly did not know about him, because if they had noticed, he was sure Dino wouldn’t hesitate to threaten his son. 

 

And he kept imagining his mother, leaving him.

 

_ I’m the same. _

 

_ I tried to be better, and all I am is the same. _

 

_ At least I lasted two days _ . 

 

He’d use birth control from now on. Dino wouldn’t need to know about it. But then—if he—he would—but then—a child forced on him, going through all that for a child sprung from someone he didn’t love—Ash wanted to throw up. 

 

_ I love you. _

 

His mother hadn’t loved him.

 

He agreed, and when Blanca lingered behind, Ash knew he wouldn’t stand a chance trying to punch him in the best of healthy, never mind right now. He just hoped he wouldn’t start bleeding. 

 

He lasted less time than he would have as a fourteen-year-old. “You’re regressed,” said Blanca.

 

_ No, I just had a baby _ . 

 

“You heard what the monsieur said. He doesn’t mean it. Go back to him. You’ll have everything—wealth, power—”

 

“Everything fake,” said Ash.

 

“You just have to give one thing up—”

 

_ Two things. _ “What do you even know about it?” Ash managed. “You know what Dino actually wants to do with me?” 

 

Blanca frowned. 

 

“He wants to make me have his kids,” Ash said, looking into Blanca’s eyes. 

 

“That’s not possible.”

 

“Are you ignorant? Of course it’s possible. It’s just rare. Why else do you think he’s spent so much on me?” Ash slumped. “That’ll be my life there, Blanca. But I’ll do it if you just—don’t hurt him.” He closed his eyes. He couldn’t stand to look at the man anymore. 

 

_ You left me. _

 

_ I’m about to leave Griffin. _

 

_ I’m becoming you, like Dino and you always planned _ . 

 

* * *

 

 

“I’m surprised you showed your face here, Shorter Wong,” drawled Yut-Lung.

 

“Shut up,” said Shorter. He glanced at Eiji, Sing watching both of them. Ibe was watching Griffin. 

 

_ He wouldn’t have run. He’s not his mother. What did you do to him, you bitch? _ Eiji glared at Yut-Lung.

 

He’d always been Ash’s weakness. Now, even more so. They both were. And if Yut-Lung—

 

Yut-Lung ranted and raved about how it was all his fault, and Eiji couldn’t hear it. He couldn’t afford to listen to this crap. I’ve got to save him.

 

_ Ash, Griffin’s been crying. _

 

_ Ash, he misses you. _

 

_ Ash, I miss you. _

 

_ There’s got to be a way, even if it looks impossible, and I’ll find it. We’ve already done the near-impossible. _

 

Eiji ran from that place, Shorter following him and swearing. “We’ll get him back, Eiji.”

 

Eiji nodded. He wiped at his eyes, but in truth he was more angry than tearful. “He doesn’t know about Griffin, or he’d have mentioned it.”

 

Shorter nodded.

 

“He’s giving everything to protect Griffin, and I--” Ash was the one who had to go through a pregnancy, labor, all of it, and he was just--useless as ever. Not now. Not this time. 

 

_ You thought I was capable to raise Griffin. _

 

_ You don’t think I’m useless, Ash, do you? I want to believe it. And I’ll save you. For me, for you, for Griffin. _

 

_ Ash, he cries at night. He misses you. He knows you. _

 

He turned on the corner across from where Alex and the others were staying with Sing’s guys. Sing caught up. “I told him I’d side with you in this.”

 

“Huh?” Eiji blinked. Shorter’s eyes widened.

 

“He’s your best friend, right?” Sing looked up at Shorter. 

 

“It’s not just that,” said Eiji. “He’s doing it to protect me and—” He stopped himself. “We’ll have to—disappear. Once we get him back.”

 

Shorter cussed. “Yeah.”

 

“What?” Sing asked. “Look, if we’re gonna be teaming up, how about you give me all the information. Yut-Lung just threw a teacup at me; I think he’s a little hysterical. I  _ deserve _ some kind of information.”

 

Shorter rolled his eyes, ruffling Sing’s hair. “It doesn’t—”

 

Eiji pulled out his phone. He slid it into Sing’s hands. His background was an image of himself, Ash, and Griffin. 

 

Sing’s eyes popped. “Holy hell.”

 

“Please,” Eiji said. He had to get back. He couldn’t stand to leave his son any longer. He held him when he got back—his son, Ash’s son—and cried, the baby snug against his shoulder. 

 

_ Please come back. _

 

_ We need you. _

  
  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this crack fic & leaving kudos! <3 This chapter addresses some of the more potentially triggering parts of canon so please be careful.

Ash collapsed a week into his tenure with Dino. A week, and Dino had only kissed him once, kissed him on the same lips he kissed Eiji with and Griffin with, sullying them.

 

_ I’ll never be able to go back _ .

 

He was dimly aware of Blanca picking him up and carrying him back to his bed, and all he could think was that he hoped his baggy sweater was enough and that Blanca hadn’t noticed. Pregnant people did not, as he had known but still chose to ignore until it was reality, revert back to their old bodies in any way shape or form, at least not just over a week since giving birth. He just hoped he wasn’t bleeding again. 

 

They tried to make him eat. He couldn’t. It came back up. Funny, he’d not had morning sickness with Griffin, but now that he didn’t have him, he was sick.

 

_ I miss him _ . His son, and Eiji. He hoped Eiji spoke kindly of him to Griffin someday. He—

 

Dino sent for doctors, and Ash could barely open his eyes. He shoved the doctor away when they tried to examine him. They drew his blood in the end. That was okay. He could handle that; it wouldn’t be able to tell them much.

 

He closed his eyes again, wanting to return to dreams. This time, though, he dreamed about his son screaming, crying, crying for him, and he searched through a house, huge and dark, a maze really, and he couldn’t find him.  _ “Griffin!”  _

 

He woke up to Blanca grabbing him and shaking him. “Get off me!” 

 

“You were screaming,” Blanca said, voice grave. He backed up, looking towards the doorway. Dino stood there, scowling. 

 

Sitting up at all sent a wave of dizziness pressing into his skull. The IVs only did so much nutritionally. He hoped Eiji was able to feed Griffin properly—okay, he knew he would, but he wanted to be there, and he wasn’t. 

 

_ There’s so much I want to be there for, and I— _

 

He’d never hated himself more. Every inch of himself, he hated. 

 

“You want to get away from me that badly?” Dino demanded.

 

Ash looked away. Dino grabbed him by the collar, hauling him up. “You’re trying to die your way out?” 

 

“I’m not doing it on purpose,” Ash choked out.  _ I don’t deserve to die.  _

 

“So you can finally speak.” Dino threw him back down on the bed. “If you’re trying to die your way out, that Japanese boy will be following in your footsteps.”

 

_ No! _ “I never thought about it, not once.” Ash gritted his teeth, looking towards the side. He had to stay cool. He had to get better.  _ Why can’t I eat _ ? 

 

“Good.” Dino stepped back, detailing his plans to have Ash be ready for a party in a few weeks, a party in which he would announce he was adopting Ash.

 

_ Adopting _ ? Ash gaped. He wanted to laugh. He couldn’t even manage that. All he could think of was his own son, and how— “How’s that going to work? Aren’t I just your fuck toy? Aren’t you planning on having kids with me? The doctor told me, you know, at that hospital—he told me that I could—you don’t—”

 

Dino slapped him across the face.

 

“Monsieur!” Blanca shouted. “Control yourself.” 

 

_ Like you have any right to talk _ . Ash glared up at Dino, his lip split. 

 

“You don’t think I know?” Dino demanded, and that was when a rush of cold surged through Ash, and he couldn’t so much as breathe. Dino’s lips curved into a smile. “Well? You’re not as smart as you think. You don’t think the doctor figured it out and told me?”

 

“I hate you,” Ash whispered. 

 

“What is going on?” Blanca asked.

 

“Tell me, was it one of the guys in prison or your Japanese whore?” He yanked up Ash’s shirt, exposing his midriff, stretchmarks still visible, unmistakable in the marks of pregnancy only two weeks over. 

 

Dino shoved Ash away from him. He fell back, crashing against the bed frame. His shoulder throbbed. He yanked his shirt down, trying to force air into his lungs, out.

 

_ He knows. He knows. _

 

_ Eiji! _

 

“You’ll have other children,” Dino said, turning to leave. “With better genes. I’ll let that brat of yours live, if you cooperate. I’ll see you at dinner tonight. You won’t get a better offer.”

 

_ I’m really not doing it on purpose! _ Panic coursed through him, fire and ice. His teeth chattered. 

 

“Ash?” said Blanca, voice deadly serious. 

 

“Save your lectures.” Ash closed his eyes again, but not before tears leaked out. _ Griffin—Griffin— _

 

“Ash,” Blanca said again.

 

“Go away.” Ash couldn’t look at him. He’d rather burst his eardrums than hear Blanca tell him he should give up his son when he’d already done so, when he already hated himself more than anything for it, and he’d done it because he’d rather suffer Dino an entire lifetime than risk a hair on Eiji or Griffin’s head getting hurt, and that was something Blanca couldn’t possibly understand. “Please.” 

 

He made it to dinner that night, even though he vomited off the side of the table.

 

* * *

 

 

Ash barely made it through the next few days as the party approached. He was in a fog. But he had to function, even if on autopilot, like someone poisoned with Banana Fish, because he could not risk Eiji or Griffin. 

 

Hopeless.

 

_ The world can’t be so hopeless, though _ . He couldn’t let it be. Eiji and Griffin were a part of it, and he—he—he could barely walk, let alone fight a world for them. But if two people ever deserved to have someone fight the world for them, it was them.

 

_ I wish someone would— _

 

“Freeze!”

 

The voice cut through Ash’s thoughts at the party, and he couldn’t keep himself from screaming.  _ “Eiji!” _

 

_ Why are you here? What will happen to Griffin if you’re— _

 

Gunshots, and Eiji was grabbing him, hauling him with him. Ash heard the click of a gun and snatched one from Eiji’s waistband, firing. 

 

“Damn, Ash,” said Cain Blood’s voice. “Wouldn’t want to have you as an enemy.”

 

“Eiji, what are you—what about—” Ash tried not to scream. 

 

“I’m doing this for Griff,” Eiji insisted, voice tight. “Max and Jessica are watching him, and Ash, we’re not gonna die.” His hand brushed Ash’s chin. “I promise.” He tightened his grip around Ash. “He misses you, Ash. He’s gotten bigger, and—” His voice cracked.

 

Bigger. He’d missed seeing his son grow. “I’m just like my mother,” Ash whispered. “I—”

 

“No,” Eiji cut in. “You’re nothing like her, Ash, even if—whether or not she loved you. You were trying to save us, not yourself.” 

 

_ I don’t know about that. _

 

_ Eiji, I’m afraid. I’ve never been allowed to be, except with you, but I’m more scared now than— _

 

He remembered the night they made love. He’d never really given any thought to why it would be called that, but the way Eiji looked at him, worried, anxious and awkward, wanting to make sure everything was okay, every touch of his skin, every brush of his lips, the way Ash dug his fingers into Eiji’s shoulder blades, hoping and hoping he wouldn’t harm him, hearing how Eiji kept murmuring his name, knowing that Eiji saw him, saw him hesitate when he hesitated and backed off, when they both shook and Ash felt, for the first time, why people called it that, and thought this felt like a thousand wings fluttering loose inside him. 

 

Sing and Cain’s voices echoed. So they were here, too.  _ You told them? _

 

He couldn’t really mind. Disappearing was hardly being free, but if Griffin could have a quiet life—

 

Gunshots.

 

_ Shit! _

 

“Run!” Shorter bellowed.

 

They ran. When Eiji turned around, Ash screamed.

 

_ You idiot! We belong—you said—the three of us—we’re a family! _

 

“Shorter will get them out,” Cain said. 

 

“Maybe,” Ash said, chest heaving. But then what about Sing, and Alex, and the others? 

 

_ I have a plan _ . It could maybe even—freedom—for them all—

 

_ I hate this _ . To attack men in the museum… He wondered if Griffin would ever understand, ever forgive him if he did. He stood panting, blood dripping from a knife. How many of these men had families? Families he’d just torn apart.

 

_ I don’t deserve one of my own. _

 

_ I should die. _

 

He thought of Max and that flashback inside the prison, the way he’d grabbed Ash’s throat, and he thought of Griffin, his brother. He knew they would have done things in war.  _ But Michael still loves you... _

 

He heard the cars pulling up, the gunshots erupting. Blanca would be engaged in the fire. He had to protect his reputation and that spoiled brat he was protecting. Ash slipped back, watching as Yut-Lung crouched down with a bodyguard, the boy quaking. Ash hurled one of the knives. The shoulder. Not the heart. 

 

_ I hope you make it. _

 

Did he even have the right to say that?

 

Yut-Lung whirled around as Ash grabbed his braid, tugging him back. He let out a squeak of terror. 

 

“I wish I could slash your throat, but I have other plans for you.” Ash’s hand shook as he cocked the gun, aiming it at Yut-Lung’s skull. 

 

“Don’t you dare,” eked out Yut-Lung. He was shaking. “You’ll lose—” Yut-Lung gasped, gagging as he struggled to breathe. 

 

Ash pressed the gun against his temple.  _ If this is what I have to do for Eiji and for Griffin, then I— _ His other arm he wrapped around Yut-Lung’s waist, hauling him up. 

 

And he froze, only for a second, before yanking Yut-Lung towards the outcropping on the stairs. Yut-Lung was clawing at the arm clamped around his throat. 

 

Gorge rose in Ash’s own throat.  _ No _ . He’d definitely felt that. Yut-Lung’s panicked gasps, the way he struggled— _ fuck.  _

 

He knew what it felt like. The desperate struggles of someone about to die, struggling because they had to, and not because they wanted to live, and he—

 

_ It’s not. It’s not okay _ .

 

_ Eiji… _

 

“Hold it right there!” Ash shouted, finding his voice, the sound erupting from his throat and echoing through the dark night. Blanca, dressed in his signature white suit, turned around. He swore to see Ash holding Yut-Lung hostage. Ash kept his hold secure, but not tight enough to strangle the boy anymore. 

 

“Ash, they’re safe!” bellowed Cain. “Shorter just texted—they all made it out okay!” 

 

He was safe. Eiji was safe. Ash let out his breath.

 

Yut-Lung let out a cry, clearly knowing what this meant for him: he had no more value as a hostage. He spotted Blanca watching him, true horror embedded in his features as he no doubt expected— “You think I’m going to butcher this little jerk like you taught me? All the ways to kill without torturing? Send a message?” 

 

Blanca said nothing. Yut-Lung tried to kick him. Ash jabbed the gun at his head.  _ Sorry _ . “Cain and I are taking him with us. I have your number, Blanca. I’ll be in touch. If you want to see him alive again, I wouldn’t contact Dino.” 

 

“What?” yelped Yut-Lung. “You can’t—”

 

“Shut up. I can and I am.” He had to keep it together. His head swam as he dragged Yut-Lung towards Cain’s car. None of Yut-Lung’s men made a move.  _ He really means that much to you? Or just his name? _

 

Ash shoved Yut-Lung into the backseat of one of Cain’s cars, sliding in next to him and keeping the gun trained on him. Cain took off, car weaving in and out of traffic. Yut-Lung gaped at them, shrinking back from the Black Sabbath member glaring at him from the passenger seat, and from Cain, who looked to be trying to kill him with a glower from the driver’s. 

 

“Dino doesn’t care about me,” Yut-Lung managed. “If you think you can get him to back off, you’re—you and your Japanese boyfriend are—”

 

“Dead?” Ash glared at him. “I don’t think you’re in the position to be making threats,  _ honey _ .” A bitter taste filled his mouth as he remembered Blanca calling him that. “And Dino’s the last one I’d want to negotiate with. Blanca might be slightly worried about his reputation should his teenage client die, though.” 

 

Not that he would kill him. There was no risk of that, but—

 

Yut-Lung wrapped his arms around himself, trying to keep his teeth from chattering and failing. 

 

“Fuck,” said Ash.

 

Yut-Lung glared up at him. And then his lips twisted and he leaned over, vomiting on the floor.

 

“Fucking hell, really?” complained Cain. 

 

Ash pulled Yut-Lung’s braid back to keep it from getting in the muck. Yut-Lung gagged again.

 

“Scared shitless, but the other way?” joked the guy in the front seat. “What a baby.” 

 

Ash watched how Yut-Lung squeezed his purple eyes shut, how he tightened his fists. “You guys have water?”

 

“Sure thing.” Cain handed him a bottle. Ash unscrewed the top and handed it to Yut-Lung. “Drink.” 

 

Yut-Lung threw it in his face.

 

_ Wow, you’re really acting like a brat _ . Ash rolled his eyes. The car swerved around a corner and Yut-Lung almost fell. Ash grabbed him.

 

“Stop it!” Yut-Lung yanked his arm away. 

 

“Shut up; stress isn’t good for you.”

 

“Excuse—”

 

They pulled up into their hideout. Ash dragged Yut-Lung out, gun still on him. 

 

“Shorter said they’ll be here in twenty,” Cain reported as Ash guided Yut-Lung down the stairs and into one of the basement rooms. Yut-Lung’s braid was falling out in loose black waves. Ash checked his phone. He’d have to call Blanca soon.

 

The room had no windows, only a dilapidated mattress and musty blankets. It really was more of a closet. Ash flicked the lights on and gestured for Yut-Lung to sit. Yut-Lung stayed standing. 

 

“I don’t plan to kill you,” Ash said. 

 

Yut-Lung’s eyes were filled with tears. “Sounds like something a psychopath would say.”

 

Ash flinched.  _ I’m—Griffin, for you—I’m—I can’t. _ “I’m—not going to kill you. I just need Blanca to get Dino to back off. He’ll do it, for you, because you’re his client.” 

 

“Huh?” Yut-Lung gaped at him.

 

“The door will be locked and no matter what kind of needles you’re concealing on your person, you’re not going to be able to pick them.” Ash stepped back.

 

“So that’s why you’re telling me you won’t kill me?” 

 

Ash ignored him. “I’ll get you a trash bucket too. In case you get sick again.”

 

“I don’t understand!” Yut-Lung screamed. 

 

“You’re pregnant,” Ash cut in. 

 

* * *

 

 

“I could feel it,” the stupid blond asshole continued. “When I grabbed you. Those Chinese dresses must be useful in hiding it, right? How far are you, four months, five?” 

 

Yut-Lung flinched, shrinking back against the wall. He crossed his arms over his midsection, feeling the swollen bump himself. He wasn’t going to cry in front of Ash. Not when— _ how did you _ —his stomach lurched again. He tried to breathe slowly, in through his nose and out through his mouth, to keep from vomiting again.

 

Ash left. The door locked behind him. Yut-Lung hurled a blanket at it.

 

_ Blanca, I thought you were supposed to help me. _ And Sing’s voice—he heard Sing’s voice among the shooters, Sing had betrayed him too, they all had, because in the end he was a failure that meant nothing to them, a paper doll with a Lee name and no substance. 

 

Blanca probably wouldn’t come. He just wanted to help Ash. Yut-Lung hated himself for trusting that man. He was so, so stupid. He should have—

 

He could hear Wang-Lung’s voice echoing and echoing. _ “You’re nothing but a failure!” _

 

But he knew that the moment his brothers found out he was pregnant, they’d never let him make his own decisions. The freedom he’d gotten from poisoning Hua-Lung wouldn’t last. He’d be their tool again, and they’d use him to make more Lees, pure Lees, and he would rather die.  _ I’m supposed to get rid of them, not make more! _

 

He got rid of his brothers, watched Wang-Lung die in a hail of bullets, bleeding out, and made an appointment to get rid of it. And then he hadn’t gone. 

 

Why? He still didn’t know. Maybe it was because for once, he didn’t feel alone. Someone else was being dragged around with him, suffering with him, and he hated himself more when he thought of his mother, thought of her dragging him around, because he doubted she’d ever had such thoughts. 

 

_ It’d be a mercy to get rid of it. _

 

_ I’m scared of being alone. _

 

It hadn’t been easy keeping it from Blanca, or his staff, not when he was throwing up almost every day. He hoped they all just thought he was bulimic. 

 

When that stupid cook shot him, Yut-Lung remembered the sharp pain of the graze would, and then cutting terror:  _ what if I lose it? _ And then the confusion.  _ That would be for the best, right?  _

 

But he didn’t want to lose it. 

 

“The doctor is coming,” Wu had assured him, and then Blanca and Sing charged in and Yut-Lung felt more panic seeping into him. If he lost it and they were here—

 

But he hadn’t. When Blanca found him vomiting the next morning, he assumed it was because of the gunshot wound or the pain medication his doctor had given him—which Yut-Lung hadn’t taken. 

 

_ It’s all been for nothing.  _ He slumped back against the wall, curling up. Ash would tell everyone and he would—

 

Nausea surged again. Yut-Lung pressed his wrist, but acupressure, as usual, was failing. 

 

The door opened just as he was gagging. Ash threw an empty trash bucket at him. Yut-Lung retched so hard tears stabbed at his eyes. 

 

_ Why… if I can just make myself get rid of it, then—this would all stop— _

 

It didn’t matter. He had no choices now. He was Ash’s prisoner.

 

He felt someone holding his hair back. Yut-Lung jerked his head away, the nausea quelling. He glared up at Ash.

 

“Isn’t it supposed to stop after three months?” Ash asked.

 

“Not always.” Of course it wasn’t stopping for him. He was born under an unlucky star. Of course, it’s what he deserved for being born the child of his disgusting father and his mother. His mother, who cuddled him and kissed him and used to chase him around, laughing. His mother, who was so beautiful, who never once hurt him. When he did something wrong, she would sit him down, talk to him.

 

_ You loved me anyways. _

 

_ Why? _

 

“How far along are you?” Ash asked. 

 

What was the point in lying? “Sixteen weeks,” Yut-Lung muttered. Ash handed him a bottle of water, and this time Yut-Lung sipped it. “Blanca doesn’t know, and if you try to use that to get him to do what you want, well, he won’t. He only joined me to help you, but don’t you already know that? Everyone wants to help you.”  _ And no one wants to help me.  _ His eyes burned. “He’ll probably never answer your calls.”

 

“Yut-Lung—”

 

“You’re probably happy, aren’t you?” Yut-Lung’s claws emerged. He glared at Ash, at those jade eyes, at that angelic face he wanted to scratch and scratch at until the skin fell away and revealed a devil underneath, the devil he saw looking at himself in the mirror every morning, the devil daring to use his mother’s face.  _ I’m a disgrace to her _ . “Now you know I’m just as weak and pathetic as—”

 

“I don’t think this makes you weak and pathetic, so thanks for assuming shit you know nothing about. Then again, that’s what you do best, isn’t it?” Ash stood up. 

 

Yut-Lung let out a crackling laugh. “Just beat it out of me. That’s what you—”

 

“I’m not going to kill you or your child—”

 

“Just make me have it? Maybe I don’t want to! It’s not too late to—”

 

“If you—”

 

“You don’t understand!” Yut-Lung stood too now, screaming. Words and repressed sobs scraped his throat raw. “You only—you have—”  _ That Japanese boy, and you’re loved, and the only hope I have not to be alone is a child forced on me, a child possibly fathered by my own brother, and I’m pathetic and cruel enough to force a child into this world just to not be— _

 

“You know nothing about me,” Ash informed him, checking his phone again.

 

Yut-Lung snorted. “Yes, I do. You and I are like yin and yang. I’m everything you hate about yourself, and—”

 

Ash yanked up his shirt.

 

_ Huh?  _ Yut-Lung stumbled back, momentary fears and flashbacks lashing him, until his sight focused and he realized what he was seeing. Sagging skin trying to return to its place, purple marks like strings, a few of which he could already see on his own abdomen. 

 

He couldn’t speak.

 

“See?” Ash said, dropping his shirt back down. “I know.”

 

Yut-Lung couldn’t move. 

 

“It’s hard,” said Ash. “Eiji’s been—”

 

_ I took you away from your child? _

 

_ Ash, you’re like me? You can have kids? You went through a pregnancy, and a birth, and there’s a child?  _

 

Anger flared, stinging and white-hot.  _ You got to have a child with someone you loved?  _

 

_ Why you? Why not me?  _

 

He sank to the floor, burying his face in his knees. _ I’m not the yin to your yang. _

 

_ I’m trash. I’m rotten. You get to live, to love, and I don’t.  _

 

“Ash!” bellowed a voice. Yut-Lung stiffened.  _ Shorter?  _

 

Another voice called Ash’s name. Eiji. Yut-Lung dug his fingernails into his palms so deep that blood leaked out. 

 

Footsteps echoed. Ash, leaving. Upstairs, he heard a baby cry, and Ash’s footsteps echoed faster. Running. Like he loved his child. 

 

Of course. And then a flurry of whispers, and Yut-Lung lifted his head to see Shorter Wong holding a gun. But it wasn’t aimed at him. “Looks like I’m your guard.” 

 

Yut-Lung said nothing. He just glared at Shorter. 

 

“Being captured isn’t fun, is it?” Shorter asked, bitterness in his tone. “Getting all your choices taken away from you—”

 

“I’ve been captured my entire life; spare me.” He was dangerously close to exploding everywhere, revealing all the most revolting parts of himself.

 

Shorter arched his eyebrows. 

 

“Let me see him!” shouted a voice. Yut-Lung froze. “Get out of my way!” 

 

Sing burst into the room, panting. His gaze lasered on Yut-Lung. “So it’s true. They caught you.”

 

The other guys from Chinatown appeared behind Sing. Lao, and four others at least. Yut-Lung never thought he’d wish Ash was here, but he did right now. “Are you going to kill me?”

 

“Can’t let that happen,” Shorter said, as Sing said, “No,” and Lao said, “Yeah, and painfully.” 

 

Sing rolled his eyes. “Okay, listen to me, guys. No one touches him. Okay? We need him, and—”

 

“He’s a poisonous snake!” Lao shouted. “Because of this bastard—so many are dead—”

 

“No,” Shorter said firmly, stepping in front of Yut-Lung. “Ash said—”

 

“So you just do what Ash says now?”

 

“Lao, watch it!” bellowed Sing. He curled his fists. “Don’t speak like that to Shorter!”

 

Lao gaped at Shorter, mouth twisting in desperation. “He killed—if he gets exchanged, he’ll kill more of us, he’s not the sort to let grudges wander free—”

 

Yut-Lung’s heart pounded. Part of him wanted to throw his arms up and say, “go ahead,” and then see whether Shorter and Sing stepped aside. They would, wouldn’t they? And then—

 

But he felt it again. Fluttering in his abdomen that he had to admit were not the butterflies of anxiety, but something stirring. 

 

“Just because Ash has a kid—”

 

“My godson!” Shorter barked. 

 

“Shut it!” hissed Sing.

 

“I already know,” Yut-Lung said, trying to sound bored. “Ash told me.” 

 

“Look, Lao,” Sing began.

 

“Why are you even trying?” Yut-Lung burst out. 

 

They all turned to stare at him, long shadows stemming from their feet and creeping along the walls. The solitary lightbulb glowed a mustard yellow. “I know you were one of the gunmen tonight, Sing,” Yut-Lung said. “If you want me dead so badly, just—go ahead. Why are you even—is it just that you want to impress Shorter and Ash so much because—” Great, now he was crying, sobs heaving from him.  _ I’m not worth your gang. _

 

“But I told you,” Sing said, staring at him. “I told you I’d side with Eiji, and you threw a teacup at me.”

 

“That was before you told me that!”

 

“What, you didn’t think I would actually do it? You’re that upset about it? You took a dad away from his newborn kid and his boyfriend and forced him back to his abuser; of course I—” 

 

“I  _ didn’t  _ know!” Yut-Lung shouted. So Ash got to have people struggle to reunite him, and he—he— “I thought you were—my friend.” Or not. He didn’t know what he thought Sing was. 

 

“You kidnapped me,” Shorter pointed out.

 

“I am your friend,” Sing said, gaping at him. “But I warned you that you were going down the wrong path.”

 

_ I’m just trying to protect—no, I’m trying to live—no, I’m trying to die _ . 

 

Yut-Lung’s face ached from twisting. A sob broke through. 

 

“This is one of the great Lees?” scoffed Lao. “How honorable, crying like a bitch.” 

 

“Be quiet, Lao,” Shorter said softly. 

 

“Can’t you see he’s in pain?” Sing asked. 

 

“I am not!”

 

“You are so.”

 

“Get away, then.” Yut-Lung staggered to his feet. “Please just  _ go _ .” 

 

Sing stared at him. “No.”

 

“What?”

 

“You don’t really want us to, do you? You’re trying to make us all hate you because you think we hate you.” Sing jabbed his finger at him. “Well, I don’t hate you. You’re needed for Chinatown to—”

 

“All I’m good for is being a  _ Lee?”  _ Yut-Lung shot back. “I’d rather be dead!” 

 

Shorter studied his shoes. Yut-Lung gulped. He knew Shorter knew some of what was going on, though certainly not the extent of it. 

 

“That's not what I meant!” Sing scowled. “Why do you want to die so badly?” 

 

_ I don’t want to die. I want life to be worth living _ . 

 

“What the hell is going on down here?” Cain’s voice. 

 

“Guard duty at work, Cain,” hollered Shorter. 

 

Cain appeared, eyeing Yut-Lung. He spotted the trash can and his nose wrinkled. “You’re really that scared? Threw up again? Can’t blame you; Ash is some shot even when blind.”

 

“Shut up!”

 

“He threw up in the car too,” Cain continued, and Lao and the others laughed. Not Sing or Shorter, though. “Or what, are you the same as Ash in every way and pregnant too to—”

 

“He told you?” Yut-Lung cried out. He’d really thought Ash wouldn’t— _ I’m such a fool, such a failure—failure failure failure failure— _

 

“What?” Shorter almost dropped his gun.

 

“Are you kidding me?” Cain exclaimed. “It was a fucking joke—”

 

Yut-Lung’s mouth hung open. Sing was clutching his temples. “Are you for real right now?” 

 

_ I’m— _

 

_ Fail— _

 

Yut-Lung dropped back down to his knees, leaning against the wall. Tears slid silently down his face. 

 

“Get lost,” Sing told Lao and the others. “If I hear you’ve bothered him again, there’ll be hell to pay.”

 

“Get on,” Cain said gruffly. He grabbed the trash can, carrying it away.  _ Why? _

 

The door shut. Yut-Lung closed his eyes, and then realized Sing and Shorter were staring at him. “Looking at the freak?” he asked. One in a hundred thousand, he had read. Men who could carry children. Some called it a deformity, some evolution, some happenstance. Some a curse. 

 

“You’re not a freak,” Sing snapped. He heaved himself down next to Yut-Lung. “Is that why you’re doing all this?”

 

Yut-Lung scowled. It wasn’t that simple. He turned his face away. 

 

“Ash was freaking scared,” Shorter said. “I know he was afraid I’d think the same thing. But I don’t. I told him he had to make me the godfather, but as long as he did that I’d be cool with him.” 

 

Yut-Lung snorted. He couldn’t picture Ash Lynx scared of anything. He felt stirring inside of him again. 

 

“He’s not going to hurt you,” Shorter said, tapping the gun against his jeans. “He just wants to make sure he can live a safe life with his son, and with Eiji.”

 

“To be honest,” Sing said. “It’d probably be—preferable to just team up with you. Instead of holding you hostage. If Blanca’s your bodyguard, then you can just ask him to—”

 

“He won’t care. He’ll be gone.” Yut-Lung shifted, lowering his legs and stretched them out in front of him. Sing and Shorter both glanced at his abdomen, only slightly visible. “I’m useless.”

 

“No, you’re not,” said Sing. “You can help us.” 

 

“You wouldn’t trust me. No one would.”

 

“I don’t know,” Sing said, biting his lip. “I don’t wanna leave you, or give up on you, and isn’t that—”

 

“Why not?” Yut-Lung glanced at him, eyes wide. He hadn’t expected that. 

 

Sing shrugged. “Friends? Also business. Just because the Lee name is shit right now doesn’t mean it has to be forever. Change it if you want to.”

 

Yut-Lung’s eyes welled up. “You make it sound so easy, but it’s not.”

 

Sing snorted. “That’s why I said I’d help.”

 

_ You are so naive _ . Yut-Lung wiped his cheeks.

 

“Hormones,” Shorter suggested, easing himself down, and Sing whacked him. “No, but seriously, Yut-Lung, your child will be safer in a world without Golzine in it, and without Banana Fish.”

 

_ I don’t know about that _ . Yut-Lung swallowed. Sing sucked in his breath, clearly understanding his actions more now in retrospect. 

 

“Don’t create another kid without parents,” said Shorter. “‘Cause, believe me, it sucks.” He looked down at his hands. The gun was at his side now, unmanned, and he didn’t seem worried Yut-Lung would snatch it. 

 

Yut-Lung cried harder. He had no more pride left to preserve, did he? It was shattered, completely broken, decayed. He shifted as the baby shifted too, hand moving to his abdomen.

 

“Is it moving?” Shorter asked. 

 

Yut-Lung nodded. He watched as Sing’s eyes widened. He looked fascinated. Yut-Lung hesitated, and then he took Sing’s hand, placing it on his abdomen. The baby squirmed. Perfect timing. 

 

“Oh,” Sing said in surprise. “Wow.” 

 

“Can I?” Shorter asked, holding his hands in mid-air as if he knew. And of course he did know. Yut-Lung did not like to be touched without permission.

 

Yut-Lung nodded. But the baby had stopped moving. He shrugged. “Does what he or she wants.”

 

Shorter snorted. “So, like you.”

 

_ Isn’t that a bad thing? _ But neither Sing nor Shorter looked as if they thought so, or as if they were even disgusted. 

 

“Can you tell Ash,” Yut-Lung said, looking at Shorter. “I’ll work with him.” 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry there wasn't as much Ash and Eiji this chapter--there will be a lot of them and their beautiful love for each other next chapter! The story is very much about both Ash and Yut-Lung (since they're my two favorite characters) finding some kind of healing.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to warn this chapter delves into the (canon compliant) specifics of Yut-Lung's situation, though it isn't graphic.

Ash felt badly about leaving Yut-Lung, but Shorter could handle him. He raced up the stairs, where he knew what he’d find. And yet, as he approached, his feet seemed to grow weight, as if they’d been injected with concrete. He stopped.

 

_ I don’t deserve to go around the corner. _ He looked at his hands, shaking. He’d just killed _ — _ even more people. And it was easy, reverting back to fighting, even without food, even with blurred vision and _ — _

 

_ I just had to protect them. But I’m a killer.  _

 

He remembered Dino’s kiss, and he wanted to vomit. 

 

“Yo, Ash,” said Cain’s voice behind him. “You okay?”

 

Ash nodded. Cain’s eyes took him in and he knew what Cain was thinking. “You know,” said Cain. “My dad was gone a lot of the time. In and out of prison. For so long, it didn’t matter how long he was gone. It just mattered he came back.”

 

_ I had a choice, though. _

 

_ Did I? _

 

“Strange the boy who just took on a bunch of trained bodyguards in a museum after being blinded temporarily is scared to face a helpless baby who is part him,” said Cain. 

 

Ash scowled. 

 

Cain gave him a shove towards the corner. Ash sucked in his breath and rounded it. Max and Jessica sat with Eiji on the torn couch, Eiji rocking the fussing infant. Eiji’s face lit up when he saw Ash.

 

_ I left him.  _

 

_ I left him behind, and I—I don’t deserve— _

 

Eiji got to his feet, heading over. He pressed his forehead against Ash’s, breath warm. 

 

_ I abandoned him.  _

 

_ I don’t have the right. _

 

_ I love him. I love you both. I love you. _

 

Eiji deposited the baby in Ash’s arms. He was heavier this time, not by much though. And Griffin’s fingers curled around Ash’s. 

 

Ash clutched his baby to his chest, breathing in his scent. He rested his cheek on his soft hair. His eyes stung.  _ Please don’t have forgotten me. _

 

The baby whimpered. Terror filled Ash. He gulped.

 

“He’s probably hungry,” Jessica said.

 

“Guess you’re a grandmother now, huh, old lady?” Ash couldn’t resist as he sat down on the knobbly sofa, Eiji handing him a bottle. Griffin took it instantly, his cries quieting. 

 

“We’re glad to see you, Ash,” Max said quietly.

 

Ash swallowed. “I’m—”

 

“You don’t need to explain,” Max said. “I’d do anything to protect Jessica and Michael, too.”

 

Eiji leaned his head against Ash’s shoulder, smiling at Griffin, whose eyelids were starting to close. 

 

“He clearly feels safer with you,” Jessica said with an eye roll. “He did not want to stop crying when we were trying to get him to sleep.”

 

_ Oh _ . Ash’s heart lifted. Shame still pressed into his shoulders. “Dino’s not going to give up so easily.” And then he hated himself for saying that man’s name when he held his son in his arms. He didn’t want Dino’s name so much as spoken in his presence. Griffin was like from a different world, holy, hope in a baby. 

 

No, he was part of this world, still. Eiji’s breath was warm on Ash’s neck, and the baby spit up. He lifted him up, kissed Griffin’s forehead.  _ I can’t help it. I love you.  _

 

“Ash,” called a voice. Shorter appeared, jogging towards them. He grinned when he saw Ash covered in spit up, holding Griffin in the air. “Yut-Lung—”

 

“Is he okay?” 

 

“Oh,  _ that _ kid,” said Max, his face darkening. “The one who—”

 

“He wants to team up with you,” Shorter said. “Sing’s with him right now.” 

 

“Can I trust him?” Ash asked, pulling Griffin closer again. Fuck spit up. He didn’t care. 

 

“I don’t know, but he kind of let it spill that he’s—you know.” Shorter hesitated. 

 

“He’s what?” asked Eiji.

 

“He’s pregnant, too,” Ash answered.

 

Eiji gasped. Jessica’s eyes bulged. Max rubbed his face. At least Ash was eighteen now. Yut-Lung was what, still sixteen? 

 

“Are you sure?” Max managed.

 

“Yeah,” said Shorter. 

 

“Eiji,” Ash ventured. “If Shorter and I go down together, can I bring Griffin?” But Eiji probably shouldn’t come. Ash doubted Yut-Lung’s inexplicable grudge against him would disappear like that. 

 

Eiji nodded, and Ash didn’t understand it, but he trusted it. “Yut-Lung shouldn’t be alone.”

 

Ash carried the baby down the stairs. Griffin was starting to fall asleep, head tucked against Ash’s shoulder. “Please have your gun ready.”

 

Shorter cocked it, opening the door first. Ash spotted Yut-Lung, huddled on the mattress with Sing sitting by his side. Yut-Lung’s eyes popped when he saw Ash carrying the baby. 

 

“I hear you want to team up,” Ash said.

 

Yut-Lung nodded. He glanced at Sing. “In exchange I want—protection. For myself, and my—child.” He looked down at his abdomen, still shrouded by his baggy blue tunic. “And I’ll help you control Chinatown, with Sing and Shorter’s help, and—help you take down Golzine. You can have the Banana Fish.”

 

The baby whimpered. Ash shifted. “Deal.” 

 

“Just like that?” Yut-Lung looked shocked. “Oh. Okay.” 

 

Sing rolled his eyes. 

 

Ash settled on the other side of the mattress. “I guess I’ll call Blanca.”

 

“I really don’t think he’ll answer. Like I said. He only joined me to protect you. He doesn’t care about me at all; I’m just a client.”

 

Ash swallowed. He knew that feeling. He’d hated Blanca when he retired, wanted to chase after him screaming.  “I think he does care, Yut-Lung. I’d be surprised if he didn’t.” 

 

Yut-Lung shook his head. “He doesn’t.”

 

_ You really don’t think anyone does, do you? _

 

_ Why?  _

 

_ Because you think—you think you’re dirty. You think you’re not worth anything. You think—you feel—I know it.  _ That sticky quagmire, that quicksand he kept struggling to escape, but the harder he struggled, the more blood coated his hands, and the more he couldn’t pull himself free. 

 

_ Eiji… _

 

“Do you want to hold him?” Ash ventured. Shorter’s mouth fell open. 

 

“Huh?” Yut-Lung blinked. “You mean—your son? I—”

 

“If you want to.” Ash’s heart pounded.  _ If you hurt him I swear to God I’ll— _

 

Yut-Lung gulped. He held out his arms. 

 

Ash gritted his teeth. His jaw muscle spasmed. He placed Griffin in Yut-Lung’s arms. “Support his head.”

 

Yut-Lung obeyed. The baby gurgled. “Hi,” he whispered. The baby’s fingers reached out, grabbing his hair. Yut-Ling didn’t seem to mind. His lips stayed as they were, but his eyes were glowing.

 

“Hi, too,” said Sing. “Never met you before, Griffin.” 

 

“He’s named for my brother,” Ash said.

 

Yut-Lung’s face stiffened. “I see.” He went to hand Ash back the baby.

 

Ash took him and laid him down on the mattress, pulling out his phone. Sing kept making faces at Griffin, who kicked his chubby legs up in the air. He dialed Blanca’s number and put it on speakerphone. He lay on his side, watching Griffin. 

 

“If Griff cries at Blanca’s voice, I’m laughing,” Shorter declared.

 

Blanca answered on the first ring. “Yes?”

 

“Guess who,” Ash said flatly.

 

“It’s been hours.”

 

“Well, here’s your charge.” Ash gestured to Yut-Lung. Shorter looked disappointed the baby wasn’t crying.

 

“Blanca?” asked Yut-Lung.

 

“You’re alive,” said Blanca.

 

“Obviously.” Yut-Lung hesitated. “Blanca, I’m—we need to talk. In person. And if you bring anyone else here I swear I will find you wherever you go, since I know everything about you, and poison you.”

 

Ash started laughing. Shorter shook his head. Sing gaped.

 

“I’m helping Ash now too,” Yut-Lung said, voice wobbling. “So don’t bring my bodyguards just yet, okay? Please.” 

 

“All right,” Blanca said slowly. Ash doubted he believed Yut-Lung exactly. 

 

Ash told him the address. “Be here at dawn.” He hung up.

 

“Why dawn?” Yut-Lung questioned.

 

“Sleep,” said Shorter, yawning. “Not for Ash and Eiji, they’ll be up all night, but the rest of us.”

 

Ash scowled.

 

“You should probably stay here,” Sing said, glancing towards the door with a nervous look. “For your safety.”

 

“I’ll keep guarding him,” Shorter volunteered. 

 

* * *

 

“Did you know that you could before you found out that you were pregnant?” Shorter asked.

 

Yut-Lung shook his head. “I just kept—throwing up every morning.” And he was terrified. He spent over a week huddling in his room, researching as much as he could, and screaming at his staff whenever they came too close. “I threatened my guards and said I wanted to walk alone one morning. I took a test from a pharmacy.” 

 

Shorter cussed. “That sounds like what Ash did too. Were you planning on, like, doing it all on your own?”

 

“I don’t know what I was planning.” Yut-Lung looked up at the darkened ceiling. “I made an appointment for an abortion. I didn’t go.” He didn’t even know why not. 

 

_ I didn’t want to.  _

 

“I see.”

 

“Ash at least has—someone he loves. This baby is not from love.” Shorter knew about the prostitution, after all. 

 

“I’m sorry,” Shorter said. 

 

“I want it,” said Yut-Lung. “My mother—she had me when she was fifteen. She was my father’s—concubine. He bought her when she was ten. Isn’t that sick?”

 

“Yeah,” Shorter said. “That’s sick.”

 

“I wonder why she loved me,” Yut-Lung whispered. “I wanted to be—just like her. I know I look like her. They all—say so. They raped and murdered her after my father died. I was six, and Hua-Lung held me back, making me watch.” 

 

Shorter’s breath caught. 

 

“I hate them,” Yut-Lung choked out. “But I don’t hate—I don’t know why I want—”

 

“You don’t really have to have a reason,” said Shorter. “If you want your kid, you want your kid. You get to decide what happens to your body, not anyone else. It’s your choice. It doesn’t mean that you—wanted or—” Shorter shut up. “Well, you know what I’m trying to say.”

 

Yut-Lung swallowed. “I guess.”

 

_ I get to choose.  _ His hands encircled his abdomen.  _ I choose you. _

 

“Are you like getting headaches and all that stuff Ash had to deal with, or is it only just throwing up?” Shorter asked.

 

“Mostly throwing up, but I’m only sixteen weeks.” Yut-Lung closed his eyes. “What was Ash like?”

 

“Moodier than normal. He really liked shrimp and avocado salad, like more than usual, and gagged every time he saw a burger. I couldn’t even eat one before seeing him.” Shorter snickered. “Or fries.”

 

Yut-Lung snorted. “I think we’re still opposites, then. I just want to eat potato chips all the time. I hate them normally. I eat healthy, but now—” 

 

Shorter laughed. Yut-Lung’s eyes drifted closed.

 

He woke to a rustling sound and jerked up. Shorter was rubbing his eyes, barely awake on the other side of the room. 

 

Eiji Okumura stood in the doorway, Sing behind him. Yut-Lung froze. Eiji was carrying shopping bags, all filled with orange and blue and green and yellow bags of potato chips. 

 

“I texted him,” Shorter mumbled. “But Eiji, what the hell? I thought you’d wait until morning—”

 

“Griffin did not want to sleep tonight.” Eiji shrugged. “I had to pick up more formula anyways. Ash is with him now, and Sing went with me.” 

 

_ Don’t pity me.  _ Yut-Lung sat up, every muscle in his body tensing.  _ Don’t pity me, don’t you dare be nice to me—I hate you, I have to hate you, you get a child and someone who loves you and—all of this— _

 

_ Everything I wanted, that I can’t have, and I don’t even understand why. _

 

_ Help me. _

 

“You still hate me, don’t you?” Eiji asked, chin bowed. Sing’s eyebrows rose. 

 

Shorter glanced at Yut-Lung. Great, now he would hate him for hating Eiji. Shorter was like that. All about friends, and Yut-Lung had no idea what that would be nice, but he was betting it’d be nice. 

 

“I’m sorry,” said Eiji. “But I did nothing to you.”

 

_ You ran away _ . “Except kidnapping.”

 

“You kidnapped me first!”

 

“The hell?” moaned Shorter.

 

_ You left me. You didn’t kill me. You were—better than me in every way, and I— _

 

_ “He looks like Eiji,” _ Shorter’s voice said, echoing from the first time they’d met. 

 

“Why are you being nice to me?” Yut-Lung exploded. “Want to rub it in, do you, that you’re better—that you have it—you know Ash pulled the trigger of a gun aimed at his head, on the promise of protecting you—he loves you so much—why _ you?  _ Why him? Why—why—”

 

Eiji and Shorter were both gaping at him. Yut-Lung clutched his skull.

 

“You’re really—” Eiji started.

 

“Shut  _ up!” _

 

And as Yut-Lung lashed out, Sing grabbed his wrist. Yut-Lung stopped, looking into Sing’s face, determined, stopping him. And he wilted, and Sing caught him, and he was sobbing. He couldn’t stand. Sing helped him kneel, still holding him. “You’re not alone here, you know,” Sing managed.

 

“I am,” Yut-Lung sobbed. “I’m always—I just don’t want to be—”

 

A hand landed on his shoulder. He looked up. Shorter. And Eiji, from the other side. “I don’t hate you, Yut-Lung.” 

 

“Your soul is bleeding even now,” Sing added. 

 

“If I wasn’t—if I wasn’t—then—”  _ Is it me, or that I’m just a vessel for someone you can’t hate because you’re good people?  _

 

“Even if you weren’t pregnant,” Eiji interrupted. 

 

“Maybe you have value,” said Shorter, voice rough. “Just you.”

 

_ Me _ . He shook his head. Shorter awkwardly patted his head. 

 

_ If none of you hate me, then, we really could have been friends. Then I didn’t have to do all of this. Then, then…  _

 

_ Is it too late?  _

 

“See?” Sing said, pulling back. “Now you’ve slobbered all over me. Gross.”

 

Shorter smacked Sing’s ear. Sing yelped. Yut-Lung almost laughed. He looked up at Eiji, shrinking. 

 

Eiji opened a bag of potato chips and bit into one. He held the bag out. The smell was too intoxicating. Yut-Lung snatched them. “I’m probably going to throw them up.”

 

“‘S okay,” Eiji said. “Ash didn’t get morning sickness, but he did once send me out for bananas at two in the morning, and then hated himself for sending me out that late, but at the time he was also convinced he would die if he didn’t get them.” 

 

_ Really?  _ Yut-Lung smiled, crunching down on the chips. 

 

“I never knew that,” said Shorter.

 

“Because like most normal people, you were asleep at two am.”

 

“I sincerely doubt that,” Shorter said, grabbing some of the chips. He smiled at Yut-Lung, as if wanting to make sure he felt comfortable. 

 

Yut-Lung swallowed. Salt tasted good. “Eiji… I’m sorry.” He bowed his head. 

 

Eiji nodded. “You know, you’re welcome to—”

 

“Hey,” came Cain’s voice. “That huge dude is here.” 

 

* * *

 

 

“Please go to sleep,” Ash requested, as if his son could understand him. “What am I doing wrong?” 

 

The baby screwed up his face, still wailing. Eiji being there hadn’t changed anything, so Ash was fairly certain he wasn’t the problem. “Please, Griffin? Please.”

 

The baby sobbed.

 

“What’s wrong?” Ash cried. “Griff, I just had to fight a bunch of people and run through the underground. May I have a break?”

 

Nope. He sighed. The baby’s whimpers eventually quieted, and Ash dozed off on the sofa. He woke as the first filters of light drifted through the room, and he knew instantly whose footsteps creaked outside on the stairs. One of Cain’s men cocked his weapon. 

 

“Let him in,” Ash said.

 

The door cracked open. Blanca stood there, dressed in his white suit but with a few wrinkles. He stopped. Max and Jessica stumbled into the room, Jessica pointing a gun at him. She never relaxed, not even for a moment. 

 

But Blanca’s eyes were fixed on Ash, and the baby asleep against his shoulder. Ash scowled. “What, didn’t believe me?”  _ Say one word that implies he isn’t perfect and I’ll…  _

 

“No,” Blanca said. “I believed you.” 

 

“Well, Yut-Lung’s downstairs.” 

 

“We’re on our way up,” called Sing’s voice. Cain came first, followed by Yut-Lung, who was flanked by Shorter and Sing, and lastly by Eiji, whom Yut-Lung gave a timid smile to. 

 

“Did you get any sleep?” Shorter asked.

 

“Not really,” Ash admitted. He rubbed his eyes. 

 

“You aren’t hurt?” Blanca was asking, crossing the room and studying Yut-Lung.

 

Yut-Lung shook his head. He met Ash’s eyes, and for a moment terror skipped through Ash’s stomach. If Yut-Lung changed his mind—if he was lying, and Blanca went for Griffin first— _ I fucked up, I should be more— _

 

“Blanca, I’m going to be helping Ash now,” said Yut-Lung. He tossed his hair as if it was obvious. “So since that’s why you joined me, you should have no problem helping us stop Golzine from dragging Ash back into that—life. Away from his son.”

 

“What do they have on you?” Blanca asked flatly.

 

Yut-Lung stomped his foot. God, what a child. “It doesn’t matter. And nothing, really. I just—don’t want to separate him and Griffin, okay?” He folded his arms, scowling. “I am serious, Blanca. Or you can dissolve our contract, though I won’t accept your resignation, so—”

 

“Geez,” Ash said. “You are impossible.”

 

Yut-Lung scowled, and then realized Ash didn’t mean it as an insult, and his face softened. 

 

Blanca almost smiled. “Would Ash consent to have me—”

 

“If it means protecting Griff, I would do anything,” Ash cut in. Eiji came to stand next to him, poking the baby’s nose. 

 

“And I know how that feels,” Yut-Lung said. 

 

“Hm?” Blanca frowned. 

 

“Blanca,” said Yut-Lung. “I’m pregnant.”

 

The man’s breathing stilled. He watched, eyes wide.

 

Yut-Lung dropped onto the couch, face buried in his hands. “Shit.” 

 

“What?” Blanca asked softly.

 

“Didn’t you figure it out, Mr. I-Know-Everything, since I was vomiting every day?” 

 

“Genuinely, no.” 

 

“Well, I am. That’s why—I need you,” said Yut-Lung, lifting his face from his hands. His lips trembled. “I don’t have anyone else to—keep me safe.”

 

“And like a million enemies,” Sing observed.

 

“Not helping,” hissed Eiji. 

 

Shorter rolled his eyes. Lao and the other men from Chinatown appeared. Griffin woke with a whimper. Eiji reached out, taking the baby and patting his back. Griffin nestled back into Eiji’s arms.  

 

“I don’t want to die,” managed Yut-Lung. “I don’t want my—child to die, either.” He balled his fists. “Please honor our contract, Monsieur.” 

 

“If you don’t, I’ll—” Jessica started, eyes like blue fire. 

 

“I plan to,” Blanca said. 

 

Yut-Lung sighed in relief. Ash reached out and rubbed Griffin’s head. 

 

“Do your bodyguards know?”

 

Yut-Lung shook his head.

 

“Know what?” asked Lao.

 

“Lao, no one’s talking to you,” said Sing.

 

“How far along are you?” Blanca asked.

 

“Sixteen weeks. I think.”

 

“So you haven’t been getting prenatal care?”

 

“No, I—”

 

“Because I’m sure Ash can tell you it’s very impor—”

 

“I didn’t have any,” Ash admitted, face hot. “I couldn’t leave the apartment. Eiji and Shorter were getting me vitamins, Alex too, but—”

 

Blanca looked horrified. 

 

“What?” Ash snapped. “You didn’t exactly make things easier.” 

 

Yut-Lung’s complexion curdled into the color of spoiled milk. “I probably—do need at least a—sonogram, and some tests—” He wrung the skin on his wrists. 

 

“I can talk to Dr. Meredith,” Ash said. 

 

“Who’s the—other father?” Lao broke in.

 

“Lao,” hissed Shorter. “Rude. Don’t.”

 

“I don’t know!” Yut-Lung shouted, chest heaving. “Is that the answer you wanted?” His fangs were emerging again. Griffin let out a shriek, and Yut-Lung flinched, realizing he’d made the baby cry. 

 

“Shh, it’s okay,” Eiji said, soothing the baby. 

 

“Well,” said Yut-Lung, voice strangled. “I’m sure you two can put together a plan, Ash and Blanca.” He turned and raced back down the stairs. 

 

* * *

 

 

Yut-Lung slammed the door behind him and dropped onto the disgusting mattress that felt like a bunch of lumpy blankets stapled together, or else there were too many peas inside it. He felt the baby shift and wished it wouldn’t. 

 

The door opened with a creak. “Get out!” 

 

Shorter held his hands up. No weapon, unless he had that knife still strapped to his shins like he had when Yut-Lung kidnapped him and Eiji. “Are you gonna come back upstairs? We’d kind of like your help.”

 

“And listen to Lao—”

 

“What he said doesn’t matter,” Shorter cut in. “It really doesn’t, Yut-Lung. I—already know, remember? And you’re still a Lee, you’ve got the name and the tattoo, they’ll—”

 

“They’ll what? Respect that?” Yut-Lung glared up at him, eyes stinging. “I really don’t know, but do you know who literally one of the candidates for the other father is? Do you?” 

 

Shorter looked uncomfortable. 

 

“Well?” Yut-Lung demanded.

 

“Golzine?” muttered Shorter.

 

Yut-Lung let out a bitter laugh. “I wish. No, my very own brother.” 

 

Shorter stood still. The silence echoed, screaming in Yut-Lung’s ears. 

 

A rustle. Behind Shorter, Yut-Lung spotted Ash and Eiji, Sing and Blanca, all coming to talk to him—all—

 

He slammed his fist into the wall. Shorter grabbed his wrist, holding him back. “I’m supposed—I want—I’ve always wanted—to get rid of the Lee family—all its power, all of us—myself included—and now—and now—I don’t know, I don’t know!” Even if it wasn’t, and mathematically he thought it likely wasn’t, but he couldn’t know for sure. Either way, it’d have Lee blood from him. He’d be bringing it into the world cursed. 

 

Yut-Lung collapsed. 

 

“Shut the door,” Shorter barked.

 

It closed. He could still hear breathing, not his own. Yut-Lung lifted his head from the musty blankets and saw Sing and Shorter, Blanca and Ash and Eiji and that baby, that cute, chubby baby who looked so innocent, sitting on the floor, leaning against the walls, no one knowing where to look or what to say. 

 

“Yut-Lung,” said Eiji finally.

 

_ Oh, not you. _ The only one of them who had a better life.

 

But Eiji approached holding his son. 

 

“What are you doing?” Yut-Lung managed, voice sounded strangled.

 

Eiji stopped. He swallowed. “You’re not disgusting.” 

 

“What?”

 

“He’s right,” Shorter said. “They are, not you.”

 

“Dino was going to adopt me,” Ash managed. “And force me to have his kids—he’s—sickening—”

 

“Then don’t you feel like you’re disgusting?”

 

Ash met his eyes. “Every day.” 

 

“ _ I _ don’t,” Eiji said, angry. “Not about either of you.”

 

“Why not?” Yut-Lung snarled.

 

“Because,” Eiji said. “I know Ash. He’s—hurt, yes, but compassionate and—he makes me want to live, he gives me courage, he comforts me as much as I comfort him, he makes me believe in—in myself, in hope, in a better—he’s—” Eiji rubbed his child’s head. “I think children are born without the sins of their parents. And the sins of the adults don’t affect you—what was done to you—I mean, it doesn’t pollute you.”

 

Yut-Lung gaped at him.  _ Why you _ ? “What kind of—life would I be giving—a kid who is possibly a product of—”

 

“Whatever life you choose to give,” Eiji said. 

 

Yut-Lung covered his face.

 

“Why do you want to destroy a part of yourself?” asked Shorter. “I mean, the Lees are pieces of shit, I think we all know that, they deserve to—but why do you have to kill your family name? Why can’t you change what that means, and raise your kid how you wanted to be raised? I know you’re a Lee, and I don’t hate you. It doesn’t make me see you as—”

 

“You said something else in Los Angeles.”

 

“You were blackmailing me at the time!” 

 

Okay, fair. Yut-Lung scowled. “I probably need—an amniocentesis—for genetic testing. If there are any—anything disordered.” _ I’m afraid there is, and I’m afraid there isn’t. _

 

“By the way,” Ash said. “None of what was said leaves this room. I mean it.” 

 

Everyone nodded. 

 

* * *

 

 

They worked out a plan. They had to strike early, before Golzine sent people after them. “Ash,” Eiji said, holding a sobbing Griffin. “You better come back.” 

 

Ash nodded.

 

He left with Cain and Sing and Blanca. Shorter was guarding Eiji, Griffin, and Yut-Lung, who were going to see Dr. Meredith. Eiji wanted a check-up for his son. 

 

_ Maybe soon we can go out without fearing we’re all about to die. _

 

Griffin squeaked as the car Shorter claimed to have borrowed but probably stole hit a pothole. Eiji had already spent like an hour wrangling a carseat. His heart leapt into his throat. “Slightly different than the last car ride the three of us took together.”

 

“Shut up,” grumbled Yut-Lung, who kept throwing up almost routinely. Eiji hoped Dr. Meredith could give him something for nausea.

 

_ I don’t hate you. I really don’t. _ Yut-Lung was like Ash, lashing out, but no one had reached out. But now they had. Shorter and Sing, himself, Ash even. 

 

Shorter smuggled them in through a back entrance, a gun tucked into his waistband and knives clearly strapped to every limb. “Precious cargo,” he said by way of explanation as Eiji carried Griffin in. 

 

Dr. Meredith was waiting. His eyes widened when he saw the baby. “So this is Ash’s boy.”

 

Eiji nodded. 

 

When Ash told him he was expecting, Eiji felt complete shock seeping into him. It was something he knew about, but never considered really—and he—he spent so many nights up late, listening to Ash sleep, have nightmares, and fall back asleep, watching as Ash’s stomach grew and grew, and thinking that he was responsible for making Ash feel even more like a tool, terror biting into him, terror that he’d hurt Ash .

 

_ “Eiji,” Shorter said one night, when he found Eiji drinking tea because he couldn’t sleep. “You make Ash—I’ve never seen him look happier. He was talking about the future, Eiji, about schools for your baby. He never does that.” _

 

And then Dino took him away. But no. Ash was back, and Ash wasn’t going to die. Eiji trusted him. He prayed for him. 

 

Telling Ibe had been one of the hardest things to do. He still didn’t know how to tell his parents. Send a picture and be like “meet your grandson?” And Ibe-san had invited him to America to help him, not to…

 

_ I don’t see Griffin as ruining my life. _

 

_ I love him. I love Ash. They’re the best things in my life. _

 

_ “Ibe,” he’d said. “I have something to tell you.” And then he’d slid Ibe a photo of Griffin after he was born, tiny scrunched face red, him and Ash both crying and laughing. Nadia had snapped the photo. _

 

_ Ibe had gone very still. He slid his gaze to Eiji.  _

 

_ “I have a son,” Eiji had admitted. “I know—it’s not what you wanted for me—I know it’s foolish with everything going on, but—he’s so cute, Ibe, I wanted to name him Griffin, he’s got black hair and he’s—” _

 

_ Please don’t blame it on Ash. He made himself keep Ibe’s gaze.  _

 

_ “Your eyes,” Ibe had said. “You’re smiling.” _

 

Griffin’s smile looked more like Ash’s, Eiji thought as he watched Griffin kick his legs out as Dr. Meredith weighed him. “Seems like a happy baby.”

 

“He is,” Eiji said. He’d cried inconsolably when Ash had vanished, and Eiji was terrified.  _ Am I enough? _

 

_ I’ll be enough. _

 

_ But Ash, he wants you, and so do I. _

 

Griffin was growing normally. Eiji heaved a sigh of relief. Dr. Meredith bade Yut-Lung to lie back on a ratty cot and slide his shirt up. He obeyed. 

 

“Do you want us to stay?” asked Shorter.

 

Yut-Lung shrugged as if he didn’t care, but Eiji took that to mean he did want them to stay. 

 

Dr. Meredith spread some gel on Yut-Lung’s stomach. Yut-Lung sucked in his breath. “Cold?”

 

Yut-Lung nodded.

 

Dr. Meredith slid the wand around, pressing it into his stomach. Eiji leaned forward, Griffin sucking on his fingers. He’d never seen a sonogram, because Ash hadn’t had any. 

 

A baby appeared on the screen. Or well, supposedly. It wiggled, kicking what must be legs and fluttering arms. Yut-Lung watched, his face pale. 

 

“Can you feel that?” asked the doctor.

 

“Yeah,” Yut-Lung said, his voice funny. His eyes were misting up. “Is—is anything you can see wrong with—is—”

 

“We’ll have to do the amniocentesis you requested for genetic issues, but the ultrasound isn’t giving me any cause for concern,” said Dr. Meredith. “You were right about how far along you are. About seventeen weeks now, I’d say, based on size.” 

 

Yut-Lung heaved a sigh of relief. 

 

The night before, Yut-Lung had mentioned that he had read they could find out the DNA from the amniocentesis, check if it was a product of incest or not. And he told Eiji he didn’t want to know, not unless there were genetic problems. But if the weekly estimate was accurate, it hopefully wasn’t. 

 

“Do you want to know the gender?”

 

“You can tell already?”

 

“Yep.”

 

“Um, okay,” Yut-Lung said nervously.

 

“It’s a girl.”

 

“A girl?” Yut-Lung’s mouth formed an ‘o.’ “Wow.”

 

“Griffin’s future girlfriend,” declared Shorter. “We’re setting them up, you don’t get a say, Eiji.”

 

“Hey!” 

 

“I hope she looks like my mother,” Yut-Lung said softly. 

 

“What was her name?” Shorter asked.

 

Yut-Lung shook his head. “I don’t even know. My brothers—never called her anything but—” He stopped himself. The black and white figure on the screen kicked. Yut-Lung winced. 

 

“Active, huh?”

 

Yut-Lung shook his head. 

 

Eiji kept checking his phone as Shorter drove them back. Yut-Lung turned around in the passenger seat, facing Eiji. “They’re okay.”

 

“You heard from them?” Eiji blurted out.

 

“Not yet. But they have to be.” Yut-Lung bit his lip.

 

_ We’re all scared, so we’re telling each other what we want to hear hoping it might eventually be true. _

 

_ Please _ , he prayed.

 

The hours ticked by, and Eiji was starting to wish he could borrow some of the Zofran the doctor had prescribed Yut-Lung and which he’d gulped down right in the office. Yut-Lung sat with his legs crossed, staring at the image from the sonogram. 

 

“Penny for your thoughts?” Shorter finally asked as Eiji tried to soothe an increasingly furious Griffin. 

 

“That’s my child,” said Yut-Lung, holding it up. “I’m—I think I’m—I could be happy.” He buried his face in his hands. “But I’m scared. I can’t be happy yet. I just—I don’t want anything to be wrong with her—anything—”

 

“Well, we had no prenatal care, and Griffin’s fine,” Eiji said as the baby cried louder.  _ What can I do?  _ He’d checked everything.  _ What am I doing wrong? _

 

“Eiji, that’s not reassuring,” snapped Shorter.

 

Eiji winced. “Sorry.”  _ I’m failing as a father I can’t even figure out what’s wrong and now I’m failing with Yut-Lung who already doesn’t like me very much and— _

 

Yut-Lung rolled his eyes, getting to his feet. He grabbed a blanket draping the armchair and crouched down, wrapping the blanket tightly around Griffin, so tightly. 

 

The baby stopped crying. His lips parted into a smile. 

 

“What did you do?” whispered Eiji.

 

“Swaddling,” said Yut-Lung. “I read about it online.”

 

“Thank you,” whispered Eiji, massaging his temples.

 

Yut-Lung smiled. “They’ll be friends, won’t they?” 

 

Eiji’s heart lifted.  _ You don’t hate me? Or at least, you don’t hate Griffin _ ? He nodded.

 

“They’ll be married,” declared Shorter.

 

“Are you a psychic?” asked Yut-Lung, leaning back against the sofa. “If not, shut up.”

 

“Clearly.” Shorter smirked.

 

Footsteps. Eiji scrambled to his feet. 

 

The door opened. Blanca was half-dragging Sing, who looked a little worse for wear but was alive. And Ash, and Cain, and—

 

Ash grabbed Eiji, holding him tightly.  _ Don’t let go. _

 

_ You won’t. _

 

Yut-Lung handed them Griffin, who was starting to fall asleep. 

 

“It’s gone?” Eiji asked.

 

Ash nodded. 

 

“He’s gone?”

 

Ash nodded again.

 

_ We’re safe? _

 

_ We’re safe. Griffin is safe. We can—we can— _

 

“Hooray,” said Shorter. “Now, we sleep.”

 

“You were sleeping earlier,” snapped Yut-Lung, who was worrying over Sing. 

 

“Shut up.”

 

“How did your ultrasound go?” asked Sing.

 

Yut-Lung shrugged. “Fine. Won’t know any results for a bit.” His face flushed. “But it’s a girl.” He held up the picture. 

 

“It’s a blob,” said Sing, staring at the image.

 

Shorter cuffed Sing on the head. “Ow!” 

 

“She’s cute,” Eiji said defensively. 

 

But Yut-Lung was giggling, and for the first time, he sounded happy. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading <3


	4. Chapter 4

Ash rolled over, reaching for his phone. He noticed light outside, glowing soft behind the curtains.

 

_ What? _

 

Ash sat bolt upright. Eiji stirred next to him. He cracked his eyes open, meeting Ash’s. Terror filled his face.

 

It was six in the morning. And not a peep from Griffin all night. 

 

Ash and Eiji both levitated out of the bed, scrambling across the room towards the crib. Panic shot through Ash. If he wasn’t—was he—

 

But the baby lay on his back, fast asleep.

 

“Oh my God,” said Eiji. “He slept through the night.” 

 

Ash let out his breath. He was shaking. But his son was okay. Just sleeping, like babies did. Like most people could do without being afraid of what monsters lurked in their subconcious, ready to tear them apart, shred everything he held dear. 

 

He had so many nightmares. Always involving Eiji, or Griffin, getting taken from him, and he wasn’t strong enough to find them.

 

Eiji wrapped his arms around Ash, pressing his chin into Ash’s shoulder. 

 

“I thought someone might have taken him,” Ash managed.

 

“I thought he was dead,” Eiji admitted.

 

“I dream all the time that someone’s—got him—Dino or—”

 

“I dream he’s falling, and I can’t make it in time to catch him,” Eiji said.

 

“I love him so much,” Ash choked out. “I can’t bear to think of—losing—him. Or you.”  _ Why. Why had his mother left, father sent him away, Dino— _

 

_ Why?  _ He wanted to howl it. 

 

“You can be angry,” Eiji said, knowing what he was thinking. “I’m angry, too. For you.” He wiped at his eyes. 

 

They were in a studio apartment, nothing like the luxury suite Ash had bought with Dino’s stolen money, but nothing like the shithole place he’d stayed with Skip, either. Eiji hung curtains on the windows and Yut-Lung had given them some inked art of birds to hand on the walls. And Ibe had framed photographs of them, of Griffin. 

 

It was small, but it was what they needed.

 

“He’ll never have that life,” Ash said, trying to believe it, trying to believe that Dino wouldn’t rise from the dead and haunt them forever, rip his son away from him.

 

“He won’t,” Eiji promised. “And it doesn’t all depend on you, you know. Shorter and Sing and Cain and Yut-Lung and Max, Jessica, Ibe, hell even Blanca—he’s got the most aunts and uncles I’ve ever heard of.”

 

Ash’s eyes widened. A snort emerged. 

 

“They care, too,” Eiji said quietly. “And my family does, too.” 

 

They’d finally Skyped with the Okumuras. Ash had been terrified. But they seemed polite, if uncertain. A gang leader could hardly have been what they wanted for their son. And his father—he’d sent the man a photo of the three of them. He hadn’t heard back. 

 

“I want him to grow up like you,” Ash said finally. “Able to fly, to do whatever he wants, to—”

 

“If he drinks in high school we’re grounding him.”

 

“Okay, whatever he wants,  _ within reason.” _

 

Eiji smirked. 

 

“What if he finds out?” Ash asked. “Who I am, what I’ve done—the people I’ve—killed—”

 

Eiji studied Ash’s face, fingers brushing Ash’s chin. Those eyes, chocolate orbs that still radiated innocence despite it all, bore into Ash’s own. “If he does, he’ll  _ know _ you. He’ll know you as a dad who loves him, however imperfectly. And you don’t need to tell him—maybe a little, as he ages, but he doesn’t need to know all of it—at least not if you’re telling him to atone. You don’t need to strip yourself down and sacrifice yourself for others to atone, you know. If you tell him, someday, tell him because you feel free to. Even if you’re scared.” 

 

Ash didn’t know what to say. His lips hovered open.

 

“What?” Eiji’s cheeks reddened.

 

“You’re too wise. You’re a grandpa.”

 

“I am not! Not for many, many, many years!” Eiji whacked him. Ash snickered. He leaned in. His mouth opened Eiji’s, and Eiji pressed back, and the phone rang. 

 

“Really?” complained Ash as Griffin woke with a yelp. Eiji raced for the phone. He got to his feet, hurrying to hoist Griffin into his high chair and taking out a container of baby food. “Apples this morning, Griff.” 

 

Eiji hung up the phone.

 

“Who was that?” Ash asked, closing the fridge. He twisted the cap off. 

 

“Shorter.”

 

“At the crack of dawn? Is he still up or—”

 

“No, he thinks Yut-Lung is in labor.”

 

“Oh.” Ash’s eyes widened. “Is he at Dr. Meredith’s—”

 

“No, because Yut-Lung is insisting it’s false labor.”

 

Ash stood still. Griffin let out a mewl in protest, kicking his legs up for food. “Sorry, sorry.” Ash crouched down. “So…”

 

“So, I hate to say it, but I trust Shorter more when it comes to this than I do Yut-Lung, but you know how he is. He will be stubborn until—”

 

“So, we should go over,” Ash finished. 

 

“I think Shorter told Blanca to get his private doctor or whatever anyways.”

 

“Well, good.” Ash spooned some apples into Griffin’s mouth. “We’ll head over once he’s eaten and changed.”

 

“You know,” Eiji said, studying Griffin. “His eyes look slightly green.” 

 

“They’re staying brown. He’s all you.”

 

“Not true,” Eiji crowed. “He definitely has your nose either way. He’s just as much you as me.”

 

* * *

 

 

“What are you trying to prove?” Shorter demanded.

 

“Why are you even here?” Yut-Lung retorted. “Go away.” 

 

“You’re in pain?”

 

“And you’re about to be in pain if you don’t go away!” Yut-Lung curled up on his chaise lounge, pulling a pillow against his chest and breathing into it to get through a contraction. 

 

Shorter mumbled something about “reinforcements.” 

 

“Don’t,” Yut-Lung eked out. “You  _ dare _ .”

 

“I already dared, but it’s just Ash and—”

 

Yut-Lung tilted his head back, the pressure pulverizing his pelvis, or so it felt like, abating for a moment. He glared at Shorter. “I don’t need to be—”

 

“Then act like it?” Shorter shrugged. He’d come over the night before for dinner, and then he’d stayed for whatever reason even though Yut-Lung was becoming increasingly hornery as the pain starting increasing and occuring more regularly. 

 

Yut-Lung shuddered.

 

“Why are you in denial?” asked Shorter. “You’re clearly in labor.”

 

“It’s early.”

 

“By like two weeks.”

 

Yut-Lung closed his eyes. 

 

“Do you think you deserve to be in pain or something?” Shorter asked slowly. “You know, you don’t have to act like a complete bitch all the time, but even if you are, we do care about you, so—”

 

_ I’m scared of being alone. _

 

_ I’m scared of not being alone. _

 

_ I’m scared of being known.  _

 

“I do,” Yut-Lung managed. “I deserve this. Don’t you think so? I know I hurt you.” He met Shorter’s eyes. “Once I—have her, I’m—”

 

He remembered the day Dr. Meredith called him with his results, and he clutched the phone so hard he feared it might break in his hand. “ _ The tests showed no abnormalities.”  _

 

And then he’d started shaking in relief, and Sing was over with him, giving him a hug. And Sing texted Ash and Eiji, who responded with a picture of a smiling Griffin, and Yut-Lung almost threw up again despite the medicine because he remembered, he remembered. 

 

“After what—I made Ash give birth without any kind of care, in—I shot at Eiji, or had Blanca shoot him—that same day, sent him into—early—and—he couldn’t get prenatal care all because I was—” Yut-Lung covered his mouth. He’d put that child at risk. At huge risk. And every time he saw Griffin, Griffin would grin, gum on Yut-Lung’s hair like it was a favorite toy, and Yut-Lung didn’t even mind. “I killed my brothers and their children.”  _ So mine could—live? Not live? I didn’t even know, not then. _ “I don’t deserve to be a parent.”

 

“ _ Oh _ ,” said Shorter, suddenly understanding.

 

Yut-Lung glanced around the room, taking in the four-poster bed with its scarlet curtains, the inked art on the walls, the peacock painting. It looked like luxury, but in order to get it, he’d—

 

“To be fair,” Shorter said. “Ash and I have, um—killed people too who probably weren’t, like, any better off than we were.”

 

Yut-Lung shook his head. “I’m the worst.” The cramping started again. He arched his back, pressing the back of his hand against his mouth. 

 

“Oh, come off it. You’re not  _ that _ special.” Shorter rolled his eyes.

 

“I want to—love them,” Yut-Lung whispered. “I want everything for her. I want—to protect her, to be like my mother was for me, but I—but—what if she hates me?” 

 

“I doubt it, but if she does,” said Shorter. “Well, Sing and I will still be here, and Ash and Eiji. Also, don’t you think your mother might have had similar thoughts?”

 

Yut-Lung scowled.

 

“You and Sing have been working to set Chinatown straight,” said Shorter, sitting on the other side of the chaise. “Haven’t you already figured it out? You can’t bring back something you took away, but you can—do better for her. You’re not a defective Ash, or a venomous snake, no matter what I called you. You can be like Eiji, or like Ash, or like anyone you want to be. You’re not going to make the world a better place by punishing yourself.” 

 

_ A venomous snake. _ He was so scared of being poisoned, of poisoning his daughter by being who he was. He wanted her to be free from all of this. He wanted her to be unencumbered by her family name. He wanted her to be able to choose her fate. 

 

It was just so much easier to want than to do, especially when there were so many moving pieces and no guarantees. “I love her,” he choked out. “I love her—already—so much—and I’m scared.” He was scared to hold that love in his arms, scared he wouldn’t be enough, scared of fucking it up and dirtying her, scared of hurting her, scared of himself.

 

“Do you love her, or do you hate yourself more?” Shorter studied him.

 

Yut-Lung’s brow furrowed. “You sound like Sing.”

 

“No, I sound like Nadia. That’s what she said to me after I was so—guilty—after betraying Ash. It took me weeks to see him.” Shorter covered his mouth, studying the seams in the fabric.

 

“I’m sorry,” Yut-Lung whispered. “I’m really—sorry.”

 

“I know you are,” Shorter said, lifting his ever-present sunglasses from his face. 

 

Yut-Lung nodded. 

 

“She asked me,” Shorter said. “If I loved Ash more—as bros, mind you—or if I hated myself more, and I—Ash—he forgave me. He’d never even been mad at me. I—if she, your daughter, if she fucks up, won’t you—when she—”

 

Yut-Lung remembered accidentally dropping his mother’s favorite teacup, the one with gold and roses that even now he couldn’t decide if they were pink or red. It broke into three pieces, and he looked up at her, eyes wide. 

 

_ “Shh, it’s okay,” she’d said. “Only three pieces. The more it breaks, the harder it is to glue back together, but you can still do it, if you’re patient enough. Three’s not bad.”  _

 

It shattered the night they killed her. Wang-Lung threw her back over it. Yut-Lung remembered trying to scream, to bite Hua-Lung’s hand.  _ “That’s—h—fav— _ ”

 

He was more worried about the cup in that moment than about her.

 

“Of course I would,” Yut-Lung whispered. “No matter what she does. I wouldn’t care. I—”

 

Her last words were his name.  _ “Yut-Lung!”  _

 

She’d reached for him when they came, terrified, and only now did he understand that shattering in her eyes, why she hadn’t fought once they pushed her down, not until she saw the knife and screamed his name. 

 

She was afraid for him more than for herself. She didn’t want them to break him. She didn’t fight, because she wanted him to live. She didn’t fight, because she was fighting, for him to live. 

 

_ And what will you do with your life? _

 

_ You gave it to me. _

 

_ I’ll glue myself back together. And I have help, too.  _

 

“I’m sure your mother felt the same way about you.”

 

Yut-Lung wiped at his eyes. He nodded. 

 

“I’m not here out of obligation, or because you’re a Lee, or because I think you’re Ash or Eiji,” Shorter added. “Haven’t you figured out that Sing and I both think you’re cool and fun to be around, when you’re not lying about not being in labor and grumpy that I’m calling you on your shit?” 

 

“Really?” Yut-Lung whispered. He hadn’t had anyone ever be glad to be around him before. Besides his mother, and he couldn’t save her.

 

Shorter nodded. 

 

Pain stole his breath away. Yut-Lung screwed his face up. “I’m going to—mess up. As a parent.”

 

“Then keep trying and do better,” said Shorter. “Ash and Eiji have to keep trying every day.” 

 

“Thank you,” Yut-Lung whispered. 

 

Shorter smiled. 

 

The doorbell rang. Yut-Lung narrowed his eyes.

 

“Well, that’ll be Ash and Eiji.” Shorter excused himself. 

 

“Yut-Lung?” called Eiji’s voice. 

 

“I’m calling Nadia,” said Shorter’s voice.

 

Yut-Lung was too busy biting down on a pillow to reply. Ash appeared first. He looked up at him. “Is there—anything—that helps?” he panted.

 

“Screaming,” Ash said honestly.

 

“No, Ash, breathing exercises!” Eiji appeared, holding Griffin. “You’re supposed to breath through them, Yut-Lung, it makes it easier to—”

 

“You did not actually do the work.”

 

“No, but I studied how to be a labor coach and did an online class to prepare for—”

 

“You did not.” Ash gaped.

 

“Obviously?” Eiji looked confused. “I was going to help you through it as much as possible.” He looked at Yut-Lung. “Are you calling your doctor?”

 

Yut-Lung hesitated. He nodded. 

 

“If you need someone to stay with you,” Eiji said carefully. “I would. I mean, I could do breathing exercises with you—shut up, Ash, they helped, you did them even if you don’t remember anything but the pain—if you wanted. If you don’t want, I am not upset.” His face reddened.

 

_ You’re really offering to help me like this? _ Yut-Lung stared. And he swallowed. “Please,” he requested.  _ I don’t want to be alone. _

 

“Bad news,” said Shorter, appearing. “Charlie took Nadia to the mounains for the weekend.”

 

“Eiji’s going to help,” Yut-Lung said. “I really—don’t want to go to a hospital unless I need to.” He was still worried about his ability to protect her. 

 

“Well, great, but a doctor—”

 

“I’m calling him now,” snapped Yut-Lung. He hung up a few minutes later. “He’s on his way. He’ll be here in a few hours.”

 

“A few hours?” yelped Shorter.

 

“It takes time.” Yut-Lung rolled his eyes, getting to his feet. “I’ll just go—lie down.” 

 

No sooner had he moved than he felt something pop, and blood and water rushed down. 

 

“That’s fine,” Ash said nervously as Griffin whimpered. “I had my water break right before I went into labor, and—”

 

“How long have you been having contractions?” Shorter barked, frantically googling. “Because I know it’s been at least since I showed up last night!”

 

“Last night?” demanded Ash. “What were you doing here?”

 

“Talking.” Shorter avoided his eyes. 

 

Ash narrowed his gaze. “ _ Talking _ .”

 

“Yes, for real. I like talking to him.” 

 

_ You can’t like someone like me.  _ Though Yut-Lung had wondered. “I don’t get it,” said Yut-Lung. “What is—”

 

“How long, Yut-Lung?”

 

“Yesterday morning, probably, but I really did think it was fake labor, and I—” 

 

“Desperate times call for desperate measures,” said Ash, taking Griff from Eiji and tucking his phone between his ear and shoulder. “Bye. See you when this is over.” 

 

“Huh?” Yut-Lung scowled after him. He just wanted to lie down. It felt like a knife was twisting inside of him, cutting away at his need to sleep though. 

 

Eiji turned out to be a decent labor coach. He kept wiping his brow and helping him breathe. Shorter was rambling off bad joke after bad joke until Yut-Lung was contemplating stabbing him with one of his needles just to get him to shut the fuck up.

 

A knock on the door. “Desperate measures have arrived,” called Ash’s voice. “Sing and I are downstairs with Griff.” 

 

“Sing?” Yut-Lung questioned.

 

“Obviously,” said Shorter. “Everyone cares about you, you know.”

 

Yut-Lung’s breath caught in his throat. And then it didn’t matter, because he was being gripped by agony. 

 

“Oh,” said Shorter. “You must be desperate measures.”

 

Blanca stood in the doorway, arms folded. 

 

Yut-Lung scowled up at Blanca. “I thought you were back in the Caribbean.”

 

“It depends on the week.” Blanca cleared his throat.

 

“Why are you here?”

 

“I have enough medical knowledge to help you deliver your child, if you wish.” Blanca held his hat in his hands.

 

Yut-Lung hadn’t exactly forgiven Blanca for leaving without a word after Golzine was killed. 

 

“Why are you hanging around New York?” asked Shorter. 

 

“I’ve been finishing some things.”

 

“People or things?” rasped Yut-Lung. “ _ Fuck _ .”

 

“ _ Things _ , for Ash. Like making sure no one who wants to hurt either of you will be able to—”

 

“Then why haven’t you stopped by?” Yut-Lung burst out. 

 

“I didn’t think you would want to—”

 

Shorter was now looking at Yut-Lung like  _ see? SEE?  _

 

“Fine,” Yut-Lung mumbled. “You can stay.”

 

“You know,” said Blanca. “I could have children, too.”

 

“What?” shrieked Shorter. Eiji flinched, pressing Yut-Lung’s back as he tried not to moan.

 

“Or well, I was born with that ability, but they got rid of things in the—academy I grew up in.” Blanca studied his hands. “Probably wouldn’t have wanted to anyways, I like women anyways, but—it’s better to have choices, and to make them, than to have them taken from you.”

 

Shorter held Yut-Lung’s hand tightly.

 

_ What if I do have a choice?  _

 

_ What if you can—what if I can—what if you— _

 

Yut-Lung looked up at him.  _ You really don’t hate me, so— _

 

_ What am I to you? What is Ash to you? A chance for you? Is that what you see us as? Or as a light to crawl towards?  _

 

He thought of his daughter, and how he wanted to hold her, and how he feared that more than anything.

 

"Don't run," he managed, looking at Blanca. "Not this time." 

 

Blanca dipped his chin. A promise. To help. No contract needed. Shorter was watching Yut-Lung, his eyes soft, admiring, and Yut-Lung didn't understand why Shorter would look at him like that when he was about to have a child born from terrible circumstances, but he was still here with him, holding his hand. And then Yut-Lung was screaming in pain, and Eiji, the boy he once considered an enemy for no other reason than that he was loved, the boy who chose to be at his side, was breathing with him, showing him how to get through the pain.

 

_ I feel—loved. _

 

_ I don’t mind bringing you into this world. _

 

* * *

 

“For real, does it usually take this long?” Sing asked, rolling a ball towards Griffin, who lay on his tummy. 

 

“It took me all night,” Ash responded. 

 

Sing mumbled what sounded like an expletive. 

 

“Are you worried about him?”

 

Sing nodded. 

 

“He’ll be all right,” Ash said. 

 

“Hope so.” Sing made a face at Griffin, puffing his cheeks out. 

 

“How’s Lao?” Ash asked.

 

Sing grunted. “Still being an asshole when he feels like it.” 

 

“I don’t hate him,” Ash said. 

 

“Huh?” Sing blinked at him. “Really?”

 

“Yeah,” said Ash, watching his son pull himself forward. “I don’t.”

 

“Hm.” Sing closed his eyes. 

 

The doctor arrived in late afternoon. The sky’s blue had deepened and orange and gold shards were glittering on soft clouds before Ash heard another infant crying. Sing sat bolt upright. Griffin craned his head up.

 

Twenty minutes later, Eiji came hurrying down the stairs, his face beaming. “A healthy girl!”

 

“Really?” Ash asked. Sing heaved a sigh of relief. 

 

“Were you worried?” Eiji asked.

 

“I’m never having sex,” Sing replied.

 

Ash guffawed. 

 

Eiji crouched down, reaching for Griffin, who stretched his arms up for his dad to pick him up. He kissed his son’s temple. “Do you want to meet her?” 

 

“Can we?” Sing was already on his feet. Ash rose, too. 

 

Eiji nodded. “He sent me down to ask you two to come up.” He smiled at Ash.

 

_ I’m kind of incredibly amazed by you right now _ , Ash thought, following his boyfriend up the stairs. 

 

Yut-Lung was popped up in his bed, looking exhausted, hair stuck to his forehead with sweat. Shorter leaned back against the windows, sunset’s magenta washing over him. Blanca sat in a chair, having a glass of wine, a strange look in his eyes, which were glassy and wet. And in Yut-Lung’s arms was a small bundle that he was whispering to, whispering in Chinese.

 

“Hey,” said Sing.

 

“Sing!” Yut-Lung’s eyes lit up. “And Ash.” 

 

They approached. Yut-Lung held the baby out, but not that far, as if he was afraid to let her leave his skin. “This is Xiaodan.”

 

“Wrong time of day,” said Sing.

 

“Shut up. Isn’t she beautiful?” Yut-Lung’s eyes were bright. “She has so much hair, and—”

 

“She’s gorgeous,” said Ash.

 

“Meet your future wife, Griffin,” Shorter sang.

 

“Shorter!” barked Ash.

 

“Is that your mother’s name?” asked Sing.

 

Yut-Lung shook his head. “I—don’t even know what her name was.” His voice came quiet.

 

Ash didn’t know what to say.

 

“It means ‘little dawn,’” Yut-Lung said. 

 

Ash blinked. 

 

“I love her,” Yut-Lung whispered.

 

_ And you said that out loud. _ Ash was impressed. He watched as dusk sank plum sand onto the buildings and trees outside the window. 

 

_ You can say that out loud. _

 

_ No one here is going to take her from you. _

 

_ You’re—she is—safe. _

 

He looked at Eiji, cooing to Griffin, who looked very uncertain about Xiaodan, and at Shorter, snapping another photo of the baby and chattering about sending it to Nadia. “What a little princess,” Shorter cooed. Blanca was even smiling. Ash decided to mock him later about having two grandchildren, but after Blanca got a chance to sleep.

 

His phone buzzed. A text from Max.  _ How’s it going? _

 

Ash leaned his head against Eiji’s shoulder, Griffin turning to grin at him. 

 

_ There are still monsters on the streets, I know. _

 

_ But we’ve quieted the ones in here. _

 

_ I can live with that, and we can live in a world like this.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading! I appreciated each kudos/comment/bookmark.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I've never written this trope before (or even liked it very much) but I had a very strange dream about this, so I had to write it down.


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